It's so sad, how little I write now. I really should write more, seeing as it's one of the few things that seemed to help me stay sane. I always have so much on my mind. I try counseling but I find it hard to be completely open and honest with a stranger. And if I can't do that, then they can't really help me. But what kind of help do I need, anyway? I'm not sure. No idea. I somewhat recently ended a 9 month relationship. And it's not that I didn't love the guy. I just kinda, fell out of love. And as horrible as it sounds, I got bored. The past few relationships I've had, I've ended up losing interest and getting bored...not feeling the connection with the guy anymore. I hate it, because I've been with some really, really good guys. Maybe there's something inside my head that just won't let me stay with a guy because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
I've only had my heart really broken once. "J" (as we'll call him), and I had been off and on for at least 2 years. And although I usually ended things or whatever, I'd always go back to him. I was really, honestly, truly in love with him. And the last time we were together, we were talking marriage and stuff. I really thought that I was going to spend my life with this boy. But out of nowhere, he ended it. No explanation or anything. And it killed me. Broke my heart to pieces. I say that I wasn't so much upset about losing him as I was about losing the plans we had made for the future, but I don't know. Because ever since then, I haven't been able to make myself stay with someone for more than 9 months. And I swear it has something to do with how he crushed me. I recently found out that he's now engaged. And I probably never cross his mind anymore. He's engaged to this really pretty girl who is making something of herself. And here I am, working at Walgreen's. Not able to afford to take more than one class at a time. Pretty much a nothing. I guess he's better off though. With a girl like that. It really bothered me finding out that he was going to be getting married. I was having dreams about him for a little while, and I hate it. I hate him. I wish I could just erase him from my memory.
Then there's "T." He was such an amazing guy and I hate that I ended things with him. I was a stupid high school girl though, and I didn't know what I wanted. I really, honestly, truly loved him, as well. And although we haven't spoken in a while, I still deeply care about him. I think about him every once in a while, and I hope he's doing well. He really deserves the best. He was probably the best guy I've dated. He wrote a poem for me while we were together, and I still go back and read that sometimes. I actually just read it and got a little teary-eyed. I regret ending things with him. I really do. I wonder where we would have ended up if I hadn't. But I believe he is doing pretty good, from what I see on Facebook, although that's not much. But still, I wish him the best and hope he is happy.
"E." The third guy that I loved. We started out as friends, and even now we're still friends. We actually work together, which I'll admit, is somewhat hard for me. He was a wonderful guy and treated me pretty well. Him and I dated when my depression really started to take over, and that was kind of the ruin of us. I cherish dearly the memories that him and I made. And he is now living with his girlfriend, and they seem happy enough. So I'm really happy for him. I do believe that ultimately things worked out how they were supposed to with us.
And lastly, there's "A." I'm not sure how I feel about everything between us at the moment. I somewhat recently ended things, and I know it was the right decision. I was in love with him at one point, but I'm not sure anymore. And toward the end I wasn't happy at all. He was a great guy. My parents' favorite by far. He treated me right and even stayed with me after I ended up in the hospital for a while, which is more than what a lot of guys would do. But it just wasn't right anymore. I absolutely hated hurting him, but I just couldn't be in a relationship with him anymore. He still tries to talk to me, wanting to be friends, but I don't really think I can be friends with him. I'm not sure why, but I just can't. Maybe it's because I know he still loves me, and I just can't handle that.
I have a friend who calls me a "heartbreaker," and I have to say... I've lived up to that name. I've been involved with quite a few guys, and I've pretty much been the one to end things with all of them, except "J," of course. I should come with a disclaimer. "By getting involved with this woman there is a very high risk getting hurt." And my problem is that I just get bored. I'm not content doing the same things every day. I hate feeling like I'm stuck in a rut. "A" did well at first, but then it just turned into a cycle of the same thing every day. He'd work, sleep, watch television. Not even television that I was interested in. And so I started losing interest. And by the time he realized that was happening and started actually trying again, it was too late.
I don't need to always be doing something to keep from losing interest. I want to be with a guy who I can just sit around and do nothing with and be happy. But I also need a guy who will take me out to a cooking class, a baseball game, an amusement park, or a hike up a mountain. Not just a movie and dinner once every few months. I really don't want to come off as high maintenance, because I don't think I am. I just need a guy who makes me feel like they're actually interested in doing things with me. Things that make me happy. And hopefully those things would make him happy, too.
I'm really scared of dating. I actually went on a date with this really nice guy yesterday, and I halfway thought about cancelling just because he seems like a great guy and I don't want him to get hurt. I never go out with a guy with the intention of hurting him, but that's just usually what happens. And this guy did everything right yesterday... he opened doors for me (including the car door), he paid for everything, and he was such a gentleman. Conversation came easily with him, and we just had a really good time. I could tell he wasn't just trying to get a hookup or anything. He was so genuine. And, there wasn't even a kiss on the first date. Which I'm totally fine with because that shows that he's not just trying to get physical, and he's respectful of my space and doesn't want to cross any boundaries. Or maybe he was just nervous. And if that's the case, that's fine too. Either way, everything went perfectly. And a guy like that doesn't deserve to get hurt by someone like me. There's part of me that says I should just end things before they get anywhere, but the selfish part of me says I should give this a try, even if it may end up with me being a "heartbreaker" yet again. I just don't know. (Note: Halfway gave it a try, lost interest. Surprise, surprise.)
I don't even know why guys would want me anyway. I have so much baggage. I have depression, and I suck at life. I ended up in the hospital and then got moved to a mental hospital for overdosing and taking a concoction of meds in an attempt to just make everything stop. I may seem at least somewhat put together on the outside, but behind that mask is a whackjob who is incapable of staying emotionally stable. Not to mention I have issues with my self-image, and no matter how many times someone tells me I'm pretty, I'm not going to believe it. I've just got a lot of problems that I believe make me undesirable. And maybe that's another reason why it's so hard for me to truly accept the love of a man. Because I don't see why any guy would truly love me and want to be with someone like me. I'm sure if guys could see through the outer shell and realize what they'd be getting into by involving themselves with me, they'd avoid me like the plague.
Maybe I've just gone insane because I don't write anymore. Maybe if I start writing and blogging again things would go back to how they were. When I was happy, and didn't have so much to worry about. Wishful thinking?
Probably.
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