And that's what's up.

Ohhhmygosh this whole getting back into school thing is more complicated than it was when I first applied for college. Blahblahblah. Why can't I just show up to class one day and that be it? Life would be so much easier. At least I decided what I want to do. That's always a plus. Here's what's gonna go down:

I'm going to take a few classes spring semester 2013 at Beebe.
I'll start the two year vet tech program at Beebe in fall 2013.
I'll get my vet tech certification, then work as a vet tech during my last year of undergrad school.
I'll hopefully then be able to go to vet school. I might have to take a few extra semesters to boost my GPA, but I'll get there.

I decided to go vet because I think that's really what I'm meant to do. Yeah, the dentist thing would have been awesome, but to be honest, I like animals a whooooole lot more than I like people. Like...I really don't like people. But I lovelovelove animals. And I've worked in a vet clinic, so I know what comes along with it. It's not just cute puppies and cuddley kittens. It's FARRR from that. Haha. Trying hissing kitties and 200 pound dogs that want to eat your face and have to be sedated just for a bath... And try secreting a dog's anal glands, or draining an infected abscess that's as big as a fist. It's grossss. Not to mention it smells horrible. But I can handle it. I don't have a weak stomach.

So I got a tattoo. And a haircut. I'm like, a whole new person. Not really.

My tattoo, that I LOVE. <3 Buddy and Clyde.

My hair. Is gone. I almost cried. But isn't it cuteee?

In case you were wondering, my tattoo is right above my ankle on my right leg. That picture is when it was still really new, and a little bloody. But it's healing up really well (it's about 2 1/2 weeks old). I love it. And it has so much meaning to me, which makes it really special.

I got my hair cut because it was sooo damaged where I burnt it last December. It never healed, even though I had gotten it cut twice after that. Like, it got to the point where I couldn't even brush it on my own. So it had to go. I decided to just cut it all off and start over with fresh, healthy hair.

Guys are douchebags. I hate them all. Like, seriously.
Besides the males in my family. Especially my baby brother. He's a good little boy. We went shopping yesterday once he got home from school, and I bought him some clothes. He looks so nice when I pick out his clothes. Of course. ;)

Speaking of yesterday, I voted for the first time! And although (unfortunately) pretty much every single freaking government position in Arkansas was filled by a Republican, I'm so glad that Obama won. Romney was just a woman-hating, gay-hating, too conservative, close-minded, rich person loving....blah. I really didn't like him. It's sad when you're legitly afraid of what the country would turn into if a certain candidate won. And I live in a state that is populated by mainly Republicans/old people, so chances weren't likely that Obama would get Arkansas's electoral votes. But that doesn't matter. Because he won anyway. Suck it, all you Arkansas Republicans. Just voicing my opinion. And if you take offense, I'm sorry. But you're entitled to your opinions, as I am to mine.

Bobo's birthday is in about a week and a half. I took off that whole weekend. And I get paid the day before his birthday, so that's good. It means he might get something super cool. Maybe another shopping trip, and he can pick out what he wants? Maybe. :P

I've decided to move to New Mexico. I'm not sure when that will happen. But it will happen. Believe me. Then again, I say that about a lot of things. And they never happen. But alas, I still have hope. I'd love to get to know my hometown better, as well as my grandparents who live there.

Anyway, I've said enough in this blog. I should go to sleep soon. Goodnight, all. :) But first, some pictures for your enjoyment (if you enjoy looking at me and my puppies). :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's Make a Change!

Alright, I'm going to start this post off by saying that sometimes it sucks being a woman. Like...a lot.

Ok. Done with that. Now, I'll get to the point of this post...Being green! I've always cared about the environment, and animals. I've always made an effort to buy organic products. More recently, in addition to buying organic products, I've become a huge advocate of buying products that are not tested on animals. I know that sometimes this is impossible, like when it comes to medicines and all that, but there is a lot that you can do.

NUMBER ONE. Get educated.
First thing is first, you need to decide what issues are important to you. To do this you need to do your research. But once you decide what issues you care about, you'll be able to take it to the next step.

NUMBER TWO. Decide what actions you're willing to take.
Although people may care about a cause, sometimes they aren't willing to sacrifice certain things to make a change. For example, after looking up information about animal testing, I found that many of the products that I use often come from companies that test on animals or use animal byproducts. If this is an issue you care about, you have to decide if you're willing to stop using those products. Cost is also a big factor. Organic products usually cost more than those that are not organic. This applies to pretty much everything, from food to beauty products. There are smaller steps you can take though. Things as simple as recycling, or taking shorter showers. You just have to decide.

NUMBER THREE. Start making changes.
Change isn't easy. So don't try to jump head-first into everything. If you do that, then you're not likely to keep up with everything, and you'll fall back into your old ways. For example, you could start by recycling. Right now, you're in the habit of throwing that milk jug away, tossing that magazine when you're done reading it, or chunking all those beer bottles left in your house after that crazy party. Well, these things go to the dump. And they stay there for a very, very long time. Some of those things will probably still be in the landfill when you die. So, put a recycling bin next to where your trashcan is. That way, you'll see it, and next time you go to toss that soda bottle, you'll be reminded to recycle it instead. Before you know it, recycling will just become habit. Then you can focus on making even more positive changes!

You can make a list of things that you want to do to make a difference. Here's some of mine:

• Buy a lunch box and take lunch instead of wasting gas to go get food every day.
• Invest in reusable napkins for at home, instead of paper towels.
• Try to use products that are organic.
• Start using all of the reusable grocery bags that we always forget we have.
• Instead of buying bottled drinks, buy a reusable (BPA free) water bottle.
• Compost our food wastes.
• Begin to phase out the use of products that are tested on animals and replace them with those that are not.
• Go vegetarian.

Feel free to steal any of my ideas. :) Now it's time for a "did you know" session.

DID YOU KNOW?  Mars candy company, the makers of Snickers, Twix, M&M's, and more, conducts cruel animal testing that isn't even required by law? Mars recently funded a deadly experiment on rats to determine the effects of chocolate ingredients on their blood vessels. Experimenters force-fed the rats by shoving plastic tubes down their throats and then cut open the rats' legs to expose an artery, which was clamped shut to block blood flow. After the experiment, the animals were killed. This isn't the only experiment they have done on animals. You should totally watch this video. (If music is still playing, scroll all the way down to pause it.)

 

Think about it...is that Snickers bar really worth it? Think about grabbing a Hershey's bar instead. They have pledged not to conduct any animal testing.

DID YOU KNOW?  Recycling really does make a difference. Here's a cool picture with some facts:

Now isn't that a cool little fact sheet? (Poor little sea creatures.)

DID YOU KNOW?  That just because a product is labeled "Natural" doesn't mean it's organic? When it comes to foods, the word "organic" refers to the way farmers grow and process agricultural products. This includes everything from fruits and veggies, to meat and dairy products. Organic farming practices are designed to encourage soil and water conservation and reduce pollution. Basically, organic foods are just more earth-friendly, and they don't contain the preservatives and stuff like conventionally grown foods. However, it isn't proven to be more healthier. Still, I don't want to be eating all those preservatives.

Well, hopefully you just learned something. And hopefully I've gotten you thinking. Here's a few websites and stuff you can check out to get more educated!

Recyclebank is a cool website that teaches you about being environmentally friendly by giving you lots of different facts and stuff. It allows you to gain points by doing different activities and taking pledges, and you can use these points towards rewards, such as discounts and coupons.

If you're interested in the animal testing issues, PETA has a really educational page explaining the problems, and how we can prevent it. To get there, click here. If you just want to get to their lists of companies that do and don't test on animals click here.

Organic.org talks all about organic foods, and the benefits of it. It tells you what you need to know about organic foods, from what the USDA Organic label means, to planning a budget for organic food and finding where to buy it (usually it can be found in your local grocery store, but there are also specialty stores).

I just think these Vapur water bottles are cool, and thought I'd share the link. :)

Well...I hope this post gets some of you thinking. It doesn't take a lot to make a change, and if every person took the steps to make a few minor changes, think of the difference that would make in the world!

Oh, I still have a blog?

Man, it's been a while. I've been itching to write a new post for a while now, so here I am. :)

Since my last post:

*I've been employed as a Beauty Advisor at Walgreen's (which really isn't that fabulous), and it seems like I've been working allllll the time. I like it, and I like getting a paycheck, but I wish there was just a few more hours in the day, so I could do something other than sleep and work. Like...work out! Because I totally need it. But...as soon as I get the tires rotated on the Jeep, and I get it tuned up, I'm going to start taking belly dancing lessons! It's something I've wanted to do for a while, since I saw the dance company perform at Riverfest a few years ago. And now that I have a vehicle to use and money to pay for the lessons, I'm going to actually do it. I'm super duper excited. :)

*I've turned 19. It's not really very exciting, to be honest. I don't feel any different. BUT...I'm now only two years away from 21! Not like that's ever really made a difference when it comes to anything... But I'll be able to go clubbing. Yay! Plus, my family is totally taking me to Vegas for my 21st. That's something to look forward to. :)

*I still haven't decided what I want to do. The whole Air Force thing is still in the back of my head. But I've also thought about going to culinary school, going to Beebe to become either an RN or a vet tech, or going to school where ever to become a fitness trainer. Decisions, decisions. But I want to decide before I go back to school, so I don't waste money on pointless classes for no reason.

But yeah, that's what's been up. Halloween is coming up next month though, and I'm going to start some crafts that I found in magazines and online to get ready to decorate when it gets to be time for all that. I plan on geting really crafty for the holidays this year. I'm already looking at DIY Christmas gift ideas and recipes and such. Because I have nothing better to do with my time. But I like stuff like that, so it's ok. :)

Anyway, I'm tired. I closed last night, then opened this morning. I only got 4 hours of sleep, so I'm super sleepy. I'll definitely try to post more often again. :)

<3



 

Hope It Gives You Hell.

Lol, nobody reads my blog anymore. But that's ok. Maybe it's because I don't post a link on Facebook whenever I write a new post. Maybe I'll do that again. Or maybe not. I write because I like to, not because I think people should read what I've written.

I'm actually blogging right now because something is on my mind, and this is where I go to let it all out. The other day I heard the old song "Gives You Hell" by the All American Rejects, which everybody has heard. And some of the verses really hit home with me. This song totally reminded me of a relationship I was in for about 2 years, that ended in January. It was one of those super annoying off and on relationships that everybody hates. Most of the time, I'm the one who broke up with him. You'd think that I'd learn after the first few times. But, I was stupid, and he was my first love, or whatever you want to call it. But each time we got back together, the break ups kept getting worse and worse. It resulted in a lot of lies (not on my part) and drama. And because of all that, we didn't end on good terms. I don't talk to this guy, and I'd be perfectly content if I never had to see him again. We aren't even Facebook friends. And that's just fine with me.

"Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself,
Yeah where did it all go wrong?
But this list goes on and on."

If I were to talk to him, this all I'd have to say to him...
I hate that you made me feel bad about things I shouldn't have felt bad about, like hanging out with friends when you didn't have plans. Like God forbid I hang out with somebody that wasn't you. And lying about serious issues, things that are a really big deal to some people, to get me to feel bad and take you back. You lied about sleeping with people. I don't even know what else you lied about. You never took me out unless I paid for BOTH of us, even though your family is clearly more well off than mine. I mean, your mom has an effing Camero, and you and your brother both got brand new cars for graduation. You guys have 2 different houses and go on cruises. On the other hand, my family has ONE car that's old and barely holding up, a small house with old furniture that doesn't match, and we don't even have a working dishwasher. Yet my family paid for everything. We even offered to give you gas money for when you'd come over, because you'd always complain about how coming over was a waste of gas, in your stupid new car that has great gas mileage. POOR YOU. Oh, and you hated the fact that most of my friends are guys. You'd throw a fit when I wanted to hang out with them. Because apparently, you couldn't trust me. You didn't seem to realize that even if they liked me, or made a move on me, I'd set them straight and let them know that I had a boyfriend and wasn't interested in anything but friendship. You'd get pissy with me when I didn't text you back right away, which is super hypocritical, considering you'd take forever to text me back a lot of the time. Oh, and I'm sorry, but you were kind of a WHINEY BITCH. It's great when guys are sensitive, but not when they're overly-emotional. I mean, sometime you were worse than a mestruating female. I'M supposed to be the girl. Not you. Plus, our religious views are totally opposite. I thinks it's fine when people are strong set in their religious beliefs. But there were too many things that clashed between us when it came to religion. And I can't stand when people are as close-minded and unaccepting as you are towards people who believe other things. Plus you were way too self-concious, no matter what I told you. You refused to listen. You were SO stubborn. And you just gave off this vibe, like you think you're better than everyone. I have so many more things I could say, but I don't want to be too mean. The fact of the matter is, I'm so glad I came to my senses and broke things off. There was no way I could have married you. I'm so much happier without you, it's unbelievable. I can actually hang out with my friends now. I can be vegetarian if I want (which I might) without having someone that's supposed to support me tell me that it's stupid. I can dance with any guy that I want, and go to parties without getting your permission, and having you there to supervise me. Oh, and by the way...next time you ask a girl to marry her, get a ring. And don't ask her when you're having problems, just to try to keep her tied down. Oh, and don't ask her while you're watching Lord of the Rings on a tiny television in a college dorm room. That's totally lame.

"Now you'll never see what you've done to me.
You can take back your memories, they're no good to me.
And here's all your lies, you can look me in the eyes
With that sad, sad look that you wear so well.

When you see my face,
Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.
When you walk my way,
Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell."

6.21.2012

So it's been a long time since I've posted. In that time, I've done a lot of thinking lately about my future. I'd be able to go to school an all that by working and with a lot of help from student loans and my parents. But, I've come to realize that at this point in time, school just isn't really my thing. So, looking at my other options, I've decided to join the military. I'm going to go Air Force. I'm not really sure what I'll do yet; I have to find out what I'm qualified to do before I figure that out.

Anyone who knows me and who is reading this right now is probably like "...what?" I'm sure nobody thought that I'd be the type of person to join the military. Honestly, I've never thought so, either. I've always said that I'd never make it in the military. But now, I feel like it's the right thing for me to do. I think that I really do have the strength to make it. The only concern that I have, is if I'm actually ready to grow up. I depend on my mom so much. And really, I'm not sure how to manage without her. I've come to realize that I'm actually a bit of a mama's girl. After basic training and tech school, I'd be living on my own. I won't have my parents with me, looking out for me. But I guess I have to grow up sooner or later.

I'm still waiting for a recruiter to get in touch with me. If someone doesn't call or email in a few days, I'm going to go ahead and call the recruiters myself. We'll just see, I guess.

I will be proud to serve my country. :)

On a completely different note, I'm completely obsessed with Justin Bieber. Yes, this is coming from the girl who is supposed to be growing up. But we all have our guilty pleasures. Haha. Anyway, he just came out with his new album, Believe, and I love it. He's definitely grown up since his "Baby, baby, baby" hair-flipping days. And, I'm one of the millions of girls who thinks he's extremely attractive. To be honest, I've dreamt about meeting him, like a lot. Haha. No shame. I'm a Belieber.

I was asked by my friend Anthony the other day what my type of guy was. At first, my answer was that I really don't know. But then, I realized that my type of guy is Justin Bieber. Haha just kidding. There's no way I could compete with Selena Gomez. But really, I wouldn't be able to date anyone famous. That would bring attention to myself, and I don't like being in the spotlight. I just want a normal guy. I love lists, so I'll make a list of what my perfect guy would be. I'll warn you now, I have high standards, and I doubt this perfect guy even exists.

The Perfect Guy:
-At least 5'10".
-Pretty blue or green eyes.
-Soft hair.
-Pretty teeth.
-Smells great.
-Nice arms.
-Has a good sense of humor.
-Easy to talk to.
-Loves animals and wants lots of cats.
-Vegetarian.
-No more than 3 years older than me.
-Sensitive, but not whiny or overly emotional.
-Not too clingy.
-Gives me space to hang with my friends, and he hangs with his.
-His views on religion are similar to mine.
-Someone I can trust.
-Can play guitar and sing and dance.
-Polite and respectful towards women.
-Has a good sense of style.
-In the Air Force, or is willing to move around with me when I'm stationed different places.
-Accepts my flaws, and doesn't make me overly aware of them.
-Can cook.
-Isn't a goody-good, and likes having a bit of fun sometimes.
-Would treat me to breakfast in bed occasionally. And of course I'd do the same for him.
-Good with kids.
-Doesn't make me feel inadequate or not good enough.
-Romantic, and maybe a little cheesy at times.
-A good listener.
-Doesn't try to make me feel bad about things that I shouldn't feel bad about.
-Loves amusement parks and roller coasters.
-Smart.
-Makes me feel safe.
-Easy to find gift for.
-Doesn't hate Justin Bieber or Ke$ha.
-Will watch baby shows with me. Like Arthur and Little Bear and Franklin.
-Gets along with my family.
-Tells me I"m beautiful. And actually believes it.
-Brings out the best in me.

I doubt this guy exists. But, if he does, maybe I'll get married someday. If not, oh well. I'm content with being single and having lots of kitties.

Well. I've been wanting to put a new blog up for quite a while. So here it is. I hope everyone has a great day, and something wonderful happens to you today. :)

A Post That Doesn't Mention Kitties.

Well, I'm done at UCA, and my final grades came out. Basically, they sucked. And my GPA went down a lot. Never have I felt like such a failure. I have never come so close to just...giving up. I've given up on my goal of becoming a dentist. There's no way I'd get accepted to dental school. And I'm not going to waste 3 more years of school, just to set myself up for failure. I'm one of those people that, if I know I can't do something, I most likely won't try. For me, it's success, or failure. There is no in between. And I've already ruined my chances of success in whatever future I may have had as a dentist. So I don't even see the point.

Everything pretty much came tumbling down on top of me. My GPA, my attendance at UCA, my hopes and dreams and goals for my future. Pretty much everything that was important to me. And now I'm buried in this mess. In all of this...this failure. And now all there is for me to do is to try to overcome this. Dig myself out of this mess. Set some new goals. Something else to work for. Find new motivation to drive me. That's harder than it sounds though. This has been the biggest dream I've had. I didn't care about anything else, other than becoming a dentist. And now that that's gone, I have to start all over. I always have a plan. I like to know where things are going, so I can always be prepared. And not knowing is really hard for me.

I have an idea though. Before my dream of being a dentist, I wanted to be a zoologist and study animals. That's the only other thing that I've actually seriously considered for my future. So now, I'm hoping I can rebuild that dream. I plan on going to Beebe, and studying biological sciences. I fully intend on kicking ass there, so that once I have my Associates degree from there, I can transfer to UF (go Gators), and get my Bachelors in either Zoology or Wildlife Ecology and Conservation. Maybe I could even have one as a major and one as a minor. After that I could go to work in a zoo, or find another career having to do with wildlife. And maybe, after a while, I could go to graduate school, so I could be qualified to do research. That would give me a chance to travel. Or maybe I could become a large animal vet.

Really, I don't know exactly what I'm going to do, which is weird for me. I guess I'll figure it out as I go. The important thing is that I don't give up, and I do something with my life. And, with the path I'm choosing to take now, maybe I'll be happier than if I stuck with the whole dentistry thing. I get along with animals much better than I get along with people. Maybe everything that is happening is just a test of my strength, or part of a bigger plan. I really don't know. But I don't plan on letting it get the best of me. I will make something of myself, and give my family a reason to be proud of me.

Summer, Kitties, and More Happy Things. :)

I have one final left on Thursday, and then I'm done with my freshman year of college. And then...It's time for summer. :)

Things I'm Going To Do This Summer:

• Re-read the whole Harry Potter series.
• Have one day/night dedicated to a Harry Potter movie marathon. Everything will be HP themed. Food, clothes, all that. Yay!
• Go running. A lot.
• Swim swim swim.
• Hang out with all my friends, namely Anna, Sam, Ron, DanPea, and Ryan.
• Play with my puppy every day so she gets the attention she deserves.
• Finish the main story lines of Oblivion and Skyrim. Both of which I have started, yet not finished.
• Figure out all this college stuff.
• Get a job. I need Moneyyyy.
• Do yoga and learn to manage my stress.
• Go to the doctor to find out why my feet turn purple.
• Get my first tattoo (hopefully).
• Finish remodeling our bathroom, which has been going on for like...the past 3 years.
• Maybe remodel my bedroom.
• Grow at least one flower. Everything I plant always seems to die. :(
• Have at least one night a week where I cook some sort of themed dinner and dessert for my family. I have so many ideas. Italian night, Greek night, finger food night. I can bake like nobody's business, but I want to expand my cooking skills. :)

I'm going to try to keep myself busy this summer instead of sleeping the whole time. I'm going to make this summer just as good as last summer. :)

Oh, by the way. I made an 81 on my biology final, which I'm super relieved about, because I didn't get to study for it very much.

And I found the funniest thing today. I think the pictures will say it all:

Kitty Wigs! I'm going to order some for my kitties soon. They'll be the cutest little kitties ever. I think the pink for Bonnie and the blue for Angel, yeah? Maybe some little sunglasses, too. Haha just kidding. Kitty wigs is a bit much for even ME. And that's saying a lot. :P (Although I have tried to take pictures of my kitties wearing sunglasses....they never cooperate. And yeahhh, I've tried multiple times.)

For anyone who actually does want to buy a wig for their kitty...here's the link. This is also where I got all the pictures from. http://www.kittywigs.com/

I love kitties. Kitties kitties kitties. They're so cute. :)

My friend Ron doesn't like kitties. How dare he. And I'm mentioning him because I know he'll be reading this post, because I told him about it just a little while ago, and I told him that he's in it. I can't believe I'm friends with someone who doesn't like kitties. Sucks to suck. :( Oh yeah...Ron is actually Anthony, who I have named Ron, because Ron is ACTUALLY Ronald, and then he has like...7 more names, and then a few numbers. So I just call him Ron. He loves that nickname. :)

And because I know Anna will also probably be reading this....YOU DON'T PUT CEREAL IN THE REFRIGERATOR. Haha I love you girl. And I'm so glad you're back, and we'll be spending the summer and next year together. It'll make things much more bearable. :)

I have to pack tomorrow. Like...everything. That'll be fun. Idk what I'm going to do with all my stuff once I get home. I don't think I have enough room in my bedroom for everything. But, I'll figure it out. OHMYGOSHEANBRINIEHKJDNKJFGKJWHERIUH4GSDF! I'm almost done with freshman year. I made it through, which that, in itself, is an accomplishment. :)

Well, it is now Wednesday, so Happy Wednesday. :)

Hakuna Matata!

I started a blog just a few minutes ago. It was full of negative things. I got pretty far... but I decided I don't want to write a blog like that. Yeah, right now is definitely not perfect. There's a lot going on in my head. So many things I wish I could change. About my circumstances and about myself. And at times, I kind of want to scream.

But I'm not going to let it take over me. Time to focus on positive things. Stuff that I wouldn't want to change. Things that make me happy.

Things like:

My beautiful kitty.

-My hair. Yeah, I'd like to change a few things about my appearance, but I love my hair.
-My little brother. I love him. I hope him and I can be close forever.
-My kitty. She's my baby. I love her so much. I don't need a man. I have my sweet little kitty. Haha.
-My other kitty and my puppy. They're also super sweet and cute, and I love them.
-Indie music. It's so...chill and happy. Yuh.
-My best friends, Anna, Sam, and Em-J. I love them all.
-Donuts. Yumyum.
-Music I played in band in high school. It makes me miss high school band, but it makes me happy.
-My best guy friend, Anthony. I can be my crazy self around him, and he still accepts me.
-Snowcones. Those are my childhood. Particularly cotton candy flavored with cream.
-Pretty clothes. Especially dresses.
-And last, but definitely not least... My parents. I may not have a perfect relationship with them, but I love them. And I don't know where I'd be without them. Well, I wouldn't be born. But...you get my point.

That list was just for myself. I was feeling super down about everything, and I needed to look on the positive side. My list, with the help of some happy music, worked, I'm in a much better mood. Hakuna Matata. I fixed myself. :)

I just got the sudden urge to shave off my eyebrows. I'm not going to. I'd look pretty dumb without them. But they're just so...annoying. Maybe when I'm old and I don't care what I look like, I'll just shave them off. Old wrinkley Tessa with no eyebrows, and 12 kitties, and 6 puppies, and a micropig. That'll be a sight.

I watched a movie not long ago with my brother. It's called Lifted, and it was such a good movie. It made me cry like...4 times. And, don't tell him I'm putting this up in my blog....but my brother cried, too. It was that good. At the end, I look at him, and him and I both have tears streaming down our faces. It is definitely worth watching. I highly recommend it. It's on Netflix, for anyone who is interested (which you should be).

I have 4 days of class left, and then it's time for finals. Boo. I hope I do well. But after that, I'm done with my freshman year. I guess I can look at that as an accomplishment. Just a step closer to my goal.

Well, this is the end of my blog. I hope everyone has a great week!




I love my baby brother. :)

ByeBye, UCA

I have 16 days left at UCA. 16 days left of my freshman year. And I'm so ready to be done.

After I finish out the semester, I won't be returning to UCA. Instead, I'll be attending ASU Beebe, which is closer to my house, so I'll be able to live at home, and not have to leave my kitty for weeks at a time. To be honest, I'm kind of bummed about leaving UCA. Not because I like it here, because honestly, I don't, but I feel like I'm letting my family down. And more than anything, I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel like...a failure.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm just working with the circumstances. It's just not what I had planned. And it's because of the fact that my plans didn't work out how I wanted them to, that makes me feel like I failed. See, the reason I'm leaving UCA is because I'm losing my academic scholarship. And it's not because I'm not smart enough or didn't try hard enough. My GPA was alright. I'm losing my scholarship because of a lack of hours. I didn't have enough to satisfy the requirements for my scholarship.

Now let me give a few details. This isn't completely my fault. When I was registering for classes for the semester, I had to take 18 hours worth of classes so I'd have enough hours to keep my scholarship. 18 hours is a pretty big course load, especially when 8 of those hours are made up of science courses and labs. Knowing I'd have my work cut out for me, I decided to take French I, because I needed a semi-easy class, and I had taken French in high school, so I figured this class wouldn't be too difficult for me. But because I had taken 2 years of French in high school, my French teacher made me take a placement test to see if I could switch to a higher level French.

Now, I'm not stupid. I knew if I scored too high I'd be put in a higher level class, which would be a lot more work than I wanted. So I took the test and totally bombed it, on purpose, clicking answers without even reading the questions. Although, even if I tried, I don't think I would have done very well at all, because I honestly didn't learn much in high school. But stupid me, I had already taken the placement test before my first semester here, and I scored somewhat high. Apparently high enough to be put in French II, since my teacher found the score from that test instead of the one that I purposely bombed.

I told this teacher that I honestly didn't think I was ready for French II. After all, I only know like...half of the French alphabet. But she was afraid that I'd "intimidate the other students" with my minimal knowledge of the French language, and she basically forced me to switch to the higher level course that I knew for a fact would be too hard. Although I'm the one who was paying for that class, she literally bullied me into switching. I told her for about 15 minutes that I wasn't ready, but she wouldn't hear anything I had to say.

So...I switched, because she made me. And SURPRISE, SURPRISE! French II was WAY above my level. I felt lost every minute I spent in that classroom. And no matter how much studying I did, there was no way for me to teach myself what I was supposed to have learned in French I while learning what was being taught in French II. So I was forced to drop that class. It wouldn't have been possible for me to stay in that class without it ruining my GPA. So now I don't have enough hours to keep my scholarship, because of that STUPID french teacher. I'm honestly incredibly bitter about that situation. I feel like if that teacher hadn't made me switch, I would have been just fine.

I tried to take an online course to get back those lost hours that I needed. I registered, but nobody ever told me that the course cost freaking $800, which I honestly don't have. Plus, I only had about a month and a half to finish the course (which is set up to take six months to complete), but I had to wait for my professor to email me before I could start. He didn't email me. So by the time I only had like, a month to finish the course, and I still hadn't heard from the teacher other than "Haven't forgotten about you, will call soon," I decided to drop the course. It was pointless for me to take it when I wouldn't be able to finish by the end of the semester. Yet, they're still making me pay about $400 for it. That is, if student accounts ever fixes my balance.

I'm so fed up with UCA. And this whole situation. I'm going to miss the friends I made here. And as much as I hated marching band and color guard, I made it through last year, and I was going to do it again this year, because usually I don't give up on things just because it's hard. Plus I love performing.  Not to mention, marching season put me in great shape, and gave me a pretty nice tan. But now I won't even get to prove myself this year, and show that I don't give up after one tough year. And I won't get to go out on that football field during half time and make all that hard work worth it. And....well, that's about it. I'm just super disappointed.

Color Guard <3

Like, I can't stand to see my dad wear his UCA hat (that I spent $30 on), because I know how proud he was of me, and how proud he was to wear that hat to support me. Honestly, I think that's what kills me most. I feel like I'm letting him down. And I hate that. Anyone who is close to me knows that I have some "daddy issues," and that I strive for his attention. For him to notice me. I try to make him proud of me. And until this year, I never really felt that he was. You know, he actually came to not just one, but two of my football games this year? That's a big step up for him. And he was talking about how he was looking forward to coming and seeing me perform at games next year. But now that's not going to happen. I'm letting him down. And dammit, now I'm crying.

I'm trying my hardest to look on the bright side of things. Like the fact that I'll get to be at home with my kitty. And I have a few friends going to Beebe, namely Anna, Anthony, Ryan, and Taylor, who will hopefully make being there a bit better. Oh, and maybe the best yet is that I won't have to eat the nasty cafeteria food that UCA charges over $1000 a semester for. I won't have to deal with UCA's staff which, aside from my teachers and my advisor, I have experienced to be incredibly rude. And lastly, UCA won't be getting anymore of my money, which I feel like is really the only thing they care about.

I just need to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and things will work out the way they're supposed to in the end. I just have to take what comes at me and work with it. And when things don't go how I planned, I need to come up with a new plan and go from there.

One last thing before I get off here and go to bed: No matter what people say, high school does NOT prepare you for college. College is so much harder. Yeah, you have more freedom, but it also requires more work. I was able to go all through high school without ever studying, and still graduate with honors. I don't think I ever even did my homework at home, and I had an honors sash, a medallion, and 2 cords around my neck when I walked on that stage to get my diploma. But that doesn't mean a thing when you're in college. High school teachers would always say that your college professors wouldn't care if you came to class or not. Bull. Half my teachers grade partially on attendance. They also said that your grades were based only on tests. Also bull. Most of my classes have homework and quizzes, along with papers and tests. High school teachers lie. High school did nothing to prepare me for college (with the exception of my Pre-AP and AP chemistry courses, which made college chemistry considerably easy). Anyway, whatever. I guess you just have to learn on your own what college is about, and how it really works.

Well, I just needed to put down in words how I'm feeling about what's going on with my college experience right now. It's really been bugging me, making me feel really down, leading me to sleep a lot more than I should, which is super unhealthy. But, speaking of sleep, it's 3 in the morning and I'm tired, so I'm off to bed. Goodnight, world.

4.1.2012

It seems that every time I come home, my mother and I get in a fight. Like, I'm getting tired of it. The same stuff always happens. It always ends up with her saying "Well why don't you just move out?" and then me saying that I plan on it, as soon as I can. Although that's a lie. I don't really plan on moving out. I just wish I wasn't still being treated like I'm 16. I mean, come on. I'm 18 and in college. I think I deserve a little more freedom and independence. But whatevs. I'm sure after enough of this, I really WILL move out. Once I can support myself, that is. Which is kinda hard without a car. Yeah.

At the club. ;)

Anyway, that's all the ranting I'm going to do right now. Other than that, I had a great weekend! I went to a club on Friday night. It was a gay club. And although I'm straight, I still had a blast. I watched a drag show and got touched inappropriately by a lesbian. That was an experience. Haha. I looked so fine though. Like, SOFINE. Not to be conceited or anything. ;)

Yesterday was a pretty chill day. I slept until like, 5. And then I helped my mother make dinner, and then showered and all that. Then I went out with Christian at like, 1:30 in the morning and didn't get back until around 4. We just chilled and watched television, but that's perfectly fine. I'm just really glad I got to see him, after what went down last week.

Today was really nice. I went grocery shopping with my mom, then my brother and I took my puppy to the park. It was such a lovely day outside. A little on the warm side, but I loved it. It felt like summer. :) Speaking of summer, I'll be out of school in about a month! 20 days left of class, then a week of finals, and I'm DONE with my freshman year of college. I'm so ready. I can't wait to be out.

The Cardinals <3

I wish I lived in St. Louis, so I could go to Cardinals games. That would be awesome. Haha.

OH! I just made Rice Krispie treats. I've been wanting to make them for a long time. So I made some tonight. :) And I'm going to take some of them back to my dorm for the week. Nobody except for me cares though. Oh well. Haha. MAKE IT OR BREAK IT IS ON TOMORROW! Ahhhh, I'm so excited!

I'm happy right now. I wish it was still daytime though, so I could go outside and be in the sun. That would be awesome. I love the sun. But since it's not daytime, I have to stay inside, which is super lame. I hate this artificial light crap. It sucks. Anyway, I'm going to work on schoolwork. Maybe study ahead a bit for my classes so I don't get super stressed this week. Happy April! I hope everyone has a great month. :)

Puppy and my brother!

Living the Life

Still. Sick. Haha I just can't seem to get better. I had that chest cold, and then last week I got a really super bad case of strep throat, and now there is something else wrong with me. I think it's a mix of allergies and that chest cold that never went away. I just want to wake up feeling healthy!

Anyway, it's halfway through the second semester of my freshman year at UCA, and things are going fantastic. I've gotten supercrunk the past few weekends. I made a 91 on a super important biology test, and I wrote a kickass lab report that I'm really hoping will get a good grade. And, tomorrow, I have 2 classes, and then it's SPRING BREAK! Finally, I really need to get away. I don't have any super cool beach trips planned or anything, but I get to go home and see lots of people that I haven't seen in a long time. 

The weather has been amazing. It has made me so happy. The sun always puts me in a good mood, as long as it isn't like...104degrees outside.
Speaking of the sun, I can't wait for summer. To me, summer is wearing shorts and tank tops every day. Sandals and flip flops everywhere you go. It's swimming and getting tan. Summer is staying up super late playing video games, then sleeping until noon the day after. It's sunglasses and sundresses. Green grass and blue skies. It is happy and carefree. I love summer. <3

On a completely unrelated note, I've made a decision. I've been single for a little while, and to be completely honest, I love it! I love not having to worry about anyone else. I couldn't imagine getting married at this age. I'm 18; I just want to have fun. I don't have to try to keep a guy happy, while keeping myself happy. From what I can tell, I'm not very good at that. When I'm involved with someone, I tend to give up my happiness. But I've decided, that I'm going to try to stay single for the rest of the time that I'm in undergraduate school. I can save serious relationships and commitment and all that for when I'm a bit older and when I might actually want to settle down or whatever. I'm still young...all that can wait. :)

List Time! Advantages of Being Single:

• You don't have to buy a significant other something for every holiday and birthday. You can save that money or use it on yourself.
• You don't have to worry about meeting and impressing the parents. No awkward family dinners.
• You can party as much as you want without having to bring along your boyfriend or girlfriend. Parties are so much more fun single. You can dance with whoever you want, and don't have to worry about doing anything that might not be appropriate if you're in a relationship (especially if you're crunk).
• You can manage your time how you want to. No having to work around anyone else's schedule.
• You have a lot more time to hang out with friends or do homework or whatever.
• You can flirt with whoever you want. That is, as long as they aren't taken.

Those are only a few reasons. There's a lot more advantages than that. The main thing for me is that I'm able to stay happy when I'm single. Plus, I'm going to be moving to another state sometime in the next 2 to 4 years. I may transfer after my sophomore year. Even if not, I have to leave after I finish at UCA to go to dental school, so that's a big thing. I mean, if I find someone that I just can't pass up, then maybe I'd give things a shot. But unless that person is super great and fantastic and like no other, then I'm sticking with the single life. And who ever said that if you're single you can't still have fun? ;)

Anyway, I have a few things to do tonight. I have to read the Dhammapada, which is like Buddhist scriptrues, for my religion class. Then I have to write a short paper for my theatre appreciation class and study for a test that I have tomorrow. Then I need to pack and get ready for spring break! :)

I love flowers. <3

2/22/2012

Ahhhhh! I'm sick. :(
But that's ok. It's not anything bad. Just a chest cold. I'll get over it soon.

Today was a great day. Nothing super exciting happened, but I was just in a wonderful mood all day. Plus, the weather was super nice, and I looked super cute. So everything was good. :)

My suitemate, Em-J, was sad that I have never mentioned her in my blog. So, here we go. Em-J is probably one of the best friends I've made since I've come to college. We met in guard at the beginning of the year, but only really became close recently. We definitely have a friendship that we'll remember for a very long time. We are SO crazy together. We always do the most. ;)
....Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass!
There you go Em-Jiz...Jeezy. Happy? :P
Anyway, I've got a theatre appreciation paper to write! Peaceee.

Change in Perspective

I've decided...it's time for change.
I feel myself falling into my depression again. I've been under so much stress, and it has been consuming me. And to be honest, I haven't been dealing with it the right way. I've been trying to ignore it by  partying a lot, and just hoping that all my problems would go away on their own.

So for starters, I'm changing up my blog a bit. I already changed my layout, because I was getting kind of tired of the old one. But I'm changing more than just the appearance. I've been using my blog as a way to...vent, I guess you could say. I was writing only when I was pissed off at the world. I'm going to try to start posting happier stuff. Whether it's something exciting that happened during the day, or something that inspires me, I'm going to try to start focusing on the positive more than the negative.

A lot of my stress is coming from school. I think, if I study more so I'm more confident in my knowledge of the material from each of my classes, and if I'm prepared every day, I'll be more at ease throughout the week. I also need to stop procrastinating. I do that way too much, and it just adds on to the stress.

And lastly, I'm going to start takin a little more time in the mornings to get ready, so I feel more confident in how I look every day. If I don't feel like I look like crap, then I'll be happier.

I'm hoping that these changes will help me keep from becoming depressed. If not, then I'll probably start going to talk to a counselor again. I want to be healthy in every aspect of the word. Mentally, emotionally, physically.

Well, tomorrow is a new day. Although it's my longest day of the week, I'm going to make what I can of it. :) Goodnight, world. <3

Week of Lame

This week was the most stressful week I've had in a really long time. Like, seriously. It just seemed that thing after thing kept coming at me, and I honestly don't know how I made it through.

For starters, I had 3 tests this week. Biology, French, and Theatre Appreciation. I could have done better on my bio test, which was on Tuesday. But, oh well, I guess. Then I stayed up so late studying Tuesday night, that I set my alarm an hour later than I should have, so I missed my French test on Wednesday. Luckily, I was able to make it up, but even so, I don't think it would have mattered much even if I didn't make it up. That was the worst test of my LIFE. I'm pretty sure I got like... a 2%. At least my Theatre test was mostly easy.

There was a blood drive at UCA on Wednesday, and I was soooo excited about giving blood. But I was So. Damn. Nervous. I hate needles, but I was so willing to try to get over that if it meant doing something good that could potentially save a life. Unfortunately, I was turned away, for one of the stupidest reasons ever. My pulse was too high. Of course my heart was beating fast because of my nervousness, which I think was intensified by like, 20 from my anxiety. So of course my heart was racing. Why the heck would that mean that I couldn't give blood? Boo.
And, to top off my crappy week, I got some bad medical news on Friday. It's not really something I want to talk about on here though. I'm just...super bummed, and slightly worried about what I found out at the doctor yesterday. Hopefully this doesn't turn into something really bad.

At least I got to come home for the weekend, and see my baby kitties and my little puppy. Haha and my family, who I love and miss very much. Plus, I got to hang out with one of my friends, Anthony, that I haven't seen since we graduated, and who I've missed. It was really nice to be able to chill out and catch up. It seems like nothing changed. It was even like we hadn't even gone months without seeing or talking to each other. No awkwardness, which was nice. :)

Too bad I have to go back to Conway tomorrow. Boo. I guess I should get some sleep though. I'm super tired, and I have stuff to do in the morning. Goodnight, all.

1/30/2012

My heart is beating fast, and the only emotions I'm able to feel right now are worry and nervousness. And I just want to cry. I don't even know why. This is what has happened lately, every time I think about the future. I used to have everything planned out. But now I just don't know what's in store for me.

I think right now, the biggest thing is that I'm afraid of falling for anyone. I'm kind of recently single, after being in a long-ish relationship. And I'm just now figuring out this whole dating thing again. I'm afraid of setting myself up for disappointment and of getting hurt. So, even if I start liking someone, I push myself away from them, to protect myself. I don't want to give my heart to someone, just to have it broken and given back to me. I get emotional, and I get attached to people easily. And I start to really care about the people I'm with. I'm just...scared of getting hurt, and also of hurting people. I don't want anything serious with anyone right now, but I'm afraid that any kind-of relationship that I might have with someone might turn into more than what I can handle.

That's not all that's on my mind, but it's a lot of it. I'm also worried about small things like the fact that I should be in French 1 instead of French 2, because French 2 makes me feel stupid. I'm always so lost in that class. And I'm starting to really feel the stress from the rest of my classes, more specifically my science ones. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it through the semester. I have this big dream to be a dentist and all that, but in reality, I'm not sure if I'll even make it into a dental school.

These are the types of things that keep me from sleeping. I think so damn much, and I over analyze almost everything.

Despite the freaking awesome weekend I had, I feel like I'm falling into my depression again. Maybe it's just something about tonight, and I'll be fine tomorrow. But all I've felt like doing tonight is crying. I guess I should try to get some sleep. And hope that tomorrow will be better. Goodnight, all.