If Only You Knew.

I absolutely HATE being angry at you...
But I just can't help it.

You've hurt me and let me down so many times. And as hard as I try, I'm not able to let that go anymore. It's happened way too much. I'm supposed to be able to look up to you; you're supposed to always be here for me. But the thing is...I can't, and you never are. As strong as I seem, and as much as I pretend that I'm okay and that how you treat me doesn't really affect me, I still have feelings, and you've hurt them. A LOT. Truth is...I'm not okay. I hate admitting that. It makes me feel weak. I just...I feel like you don't care at all. And it hurts.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not good enough. I know I'm not anything spectacular. But I try my hardest to be someone that you can be proud of. Yet it's like you don't even notice. I'm not even worth your time.

You know... the night of my last football game, my last performance with the flag line and the band, I did AWESOME. It was a great performance. I worked SO HARD to be my best for that performance. You said you would come, which meant the world to me, since you didn't come to any of my other shows. When we were all lined up to go on the field, I searched the stands for you, but I didn't see you. I figured that my eyes just passed over you, since there were so many people, or that you were on the side of the stands that I couldn't see. So I went on that field and I performed for YOU. After our performance, when we got back to the band stands, I tried calling you a few times so I could come find you, but you didn't answer, so I called the person who was supposed to be with you. They said that they were in the bathroom, and they wouldn't tell me where you were. So I called the only other person who might be able to tell me where I could find you. They had to tell me that you didn't come. I pretended I was fine, and I tried to sound like I wasn't crying. But I was. I couldn't not cry. You let me down more than anyone else ever has. Was I really not worth the 45 minutes it would have taken to come see me?

It has gotten to the point where I honestly doubt that you love me. I'm ashamed to say that. But that's how you've made me feel. You say you do, but... "I love you," those are just words. It's the way that you treat somebody that tells them that you love them. And if you do love me, you sure have a hell of a way of showing it.

I worry about him. I'm so scared that you're going to do the same thing to him that you did to me. And I don't think he's as strong as me, so I'm afraid of what it'll do to him. He's such a great kid, and he deserves the best. I just pray that you don't let him down, too.

I'm pretty sure you're not even going to read this. Somehow, I doubt that you'll ever know how much you've really hurt me. Or how all that hurt has made me not trust you. I don't think you'll ever understand what you've put me through.

What I DO know, is that when I'm gone, you're going to regret everything. You'll regret letting me down so much, not fulfilling your promises, not taking 45 minutes out of your Friday night to go see just ONE performance of my marching show, not being here for me, not paying attention to me, not getting to know me, not being part of my life...not loving me. But just know, that I will always love you. I'll always be your little girl. I just wish...that you would be my dad.

I'M ALIVE.

And I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED.

I registered for classes today at UCA, which was kind of boring, but exciting at the same time. My major is officially Biology/Pre-Dental. :) A few people have asked, so here's my schedule:

Principals of Biology I: MWF, 9:00 with Padberg
Biology Lab: Tuesday, 8:00
College Chemistry I: MWF, 11:00 with Krause
Chemistry Lab: Thursday, 8:00
Health/Fitness: MWF, 1:00 with Jamerson
Oral Communication: TR, 10:50 with Bray
Marching Band: MWF, 4:00

There's my schedule for the fall semester. I think it worked out pretty well. :) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be pretty busy, but Tuesday and Thursday will be pretty chill. I'll have time to study and do homework and stuff. After my labs and oral communication class, of course.

Guard camp is NEXT MONTH! I can't wait. Like...I'm excited. But I'm pretty nervous. I'm afraid of being the worst one on the line, or not being able to figure out how to do the stuff that we're taught and all that. Like...I know I'll be ok. I wouldn't have made the guard if I the judges thought that I wouldn't be able to do it and if I didn't have potential to get better. I'll be able to figure the work out, and if I can't, I know I can always get help from one of my fellow guard members. I just really hope I don't come off as the weakest link. Like...seriously.

I want a tiny turtle named Eugene.

Daniel and I hung out yesterday. We went swimming (where I actually got a little tan), then came to my house and made a lemon cake and watched stuff on Netflix. It was a lot of fun. He really is one of my best friends, and I'm going to miss him bunches when he goes to UofA. I can't wait to see Sam, my other best friend on Saturday. We're gonna party it up. :)

I was kind of upset tonight. Just...crappy family stuff that I really don't want to talk about. But anyway, I got out of the house for a bit, and I looked up at the sky, and I saw the moon. It was just beautiful. I wanted to reach out and pull it towards me, and just keep it forever. Something bright, to always have with me. I couldn't do that though, because 1) my arms aren't long enough to reach the moon, 2) the moon is kind of big, and 3) I would never try to keep something so magnificent to myself. That would just be sad for everyone else.

Besides the stupid family stuff, everything else is amazing. This summer has been great so far. And I'm confident that it will continue to be one of the best summers ever. :)