I have a dream.

Anybody who knows me well knows that my ultimate goal is to become a dentist. When I tell people this I usually get responses along the lines of "Ew, why would you want to clean teeth for a living?" Well, the thing is, being a dentist is so much more than cleaning teeth. Technically, the dentist isn't even the one who cleans the teeth; that's the dental hygienists job.

I've had a lot of dental work done... Like, thousands of dollars worth of dental work. Thank goodness that my mom has AMAZING dental insurance. But anyway, the thing is every time I have had work done at the dentist's office, I walk out holding my head a little bit higher. My dentist and my orthodontist have both given me soo much more self confidence, and helped me feel so much prettier. And I would love to be able to do that for other people. I want to help them become more confident, and I want to help them become happy with their teeth. I don't want any of my future patients to be afraid to truly smile because they are embarrassed of their teeth.

Also, once I am a successful dentist, I want to travel to underprivileged countries and offer free dental care to those that don't usually have the opportunity to go see a dentist when they need to. I've been asked before: "Why would you offer free dental care to other countries when people in your own country don't have dental care?" Well, my answer to this is that in the US, there are opportunities for people to get dental care if they can't afford it. In many third world countries, people don't have that chance. And that's where I will come in. I'll be that change. I'll travel to places that truly need a skilled dentist to help their people with a toothache or a cavity or a chipped tooth. And I'll teach people about good dental hygiene to keep their mouths healthy.

To do this, I'm going to have to finish up 4 years of undergrad schooling, and then I'll have 4 years of dental school. And my goal is to go to New York University College of Dentistry to get my D.D.S.. I might actually transfer to NYU my junior year so I can get a feel for the city, and so I'll be closer to the College of Dentistry when it comes time to apply and go through the interview process and all that. It will be really hard. And I know I'll have times when I doubt my ability to get accepted or to make it through. But when I get down on myself, I just have to remind myself exactly why I am doing this. I'll go look in the mirror at my smile, and I'll remember just what it is that I want to give to other people. And I'll just keep going. I won't stop.

I will be a successful dentist.
I will give other people the confidence that they lack.
I will give to those that are in need.
I will achieve my goals.
I have a dream, and nothing is going to get in my way.



This is the background on my computer,
so I can look at it every day and remember why I'm here.



11/23/2011

Well, I'm home for Thanksgiving break. :)
I'm so happy to be with my family and my kitties, and to get to see all of my friends. This is most definitely a much needed break. While I type this, I'm watching a movie called No Looking Back. It's a romance movie, just something random that I found on Netflix. I've only gotten about 20 minutes into the movie, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. It isn't quite catching my full attention. Anyway, I've just got a lot running through my head right now. So I'm going to make a list. I like lists. :)

Things On My Mind:
1) I don't like sleeping alone. I like at least having someone in the same room with me while I'm sleeping, even if it's just my kitty.
2) When I'm older, I want a really nice house. And, I want a really awesome kitchen. And no, not because I'm a woman and that's where women spend all their time. Haha. I love baking. And I want somewhere nice and roomie where I can make amazing cakes and cookies and all that.
3) Speaking of baking, I've decided if my dream of becoming a dentist doesn't happen, then maybe I'll try to become a baker. But...hopefully my dentistry dream works out.
4) The 2 things I'm most attracted to in a guy are their eyes, and their teeth.
5) My four favorite music artists are Ellie Goulding, Josh Groban, Chase Coy, and Ke$ha.
6) I want a romance like one in a movie. I want to be with someone that I'm totally completely in love with, and they're totally completely in love with me. I want a relationship where when there are problems, just a single kiss makes everything better. I want to be truly happy with someone, and I want them to be happy with me. I want to be somebody's everything.
7) I hate parents who abandon their kids, and leave them without a mom, or without a dad, or even without anyone. I think every child deserves to have a loving mom and dad who care completely about them.
8) I love Christmas.
9) I've realized how much I've changed since I went to college. For the better, or for the worse, I'm not sure. But, since the only thing constant in life is change, I guess I should embrace it. And if I end up not liking who I've become, I guess I'll figure it out then.
10) I want a dog.
11) I want to travel the world. I know that's something everybody says they want to do. It's so cliche. But I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to explore everywhere. Not just France and Germany and all the places that everyone wants to go. I want to travel to Africa and Asia and just...everywhere.
12) I hope I'm still pretty when I get old.
13) I love thunderstorms when I'm falling asleep, unless they are loud and scary.
14) I want to live life with no regrets. Life is too short to have regrets. <3

This is real. This is me. This is exactly who I'm supposed to be.

I lost myself.
I just wasn't me anymore.
I let a relationship, and the person I was in the relationship with, change me. Change who I was.
But I'm back. I'm me again. And oh, how I have missed myself.

Never again, am I going to let someone change me. While I was in this relationship, I became more and more introverted and antisocial. I only hung out with this ONE person. And it was really getting me down. It made me...depressed. I think that's one of the reasons I started feeling so alone at UCA. As much as I hate to say it, that person was holding me back, and taking away my personality. And I let them.

But now, I'm free of that grasp. I'm no longer on a leash. I can be myself. I'm SO much happier. And more social. And I don't feel alone. That's pretty ironic, right? That when I had someone, I felt alone. And now that I'm single, I don't feel alone? Yeah. I don't get it either. But all that matters, is that I'm truly happy now. I can...smile. And not just the fake smile that used to be on my face a lot of the time. Now I'm smiling for real.

Anyway, I'm going home tonight. I'm excited. I get to see me baby kitty!! And my family. I'm going out to eat on Saturday night with the fam for my little bro's birthday. Then on Sunday, Dyer and I are going to hang in the morning. And on Sunday night, which I'm most excited for...I'm going to hang out with Taylor, whom I haven't seen in a long time. It's going to be a lovely night.

Right now, I'm sitting here smiling like an idiot. For no reason, at all, except that I'm happy. I'm honestly, truly, happy.

Hello, world. I'm back. :)

11.16.2011

I have exactly a week until I get to go home for Thanksgiving break! I'm super totally pumped, because this break will be filled with seeing my family and my kitty, eating yummy food, baking, and hanging out with some pretty awesome people. And shopping! OH. And I won't have to stress about school and everything going on here. That's a major plus. It will be a break much needed. :)

So marching band is pretty much over for the season. I have very few practices left, and they are only for one hour periods, and not even 3 days a week. Although this marching season has been the toughest in my life, it was definitely worth all the pain, sweat, and tears. Being in the BMB has taught me a lot about hard work and dedication. I can't tell you how many times I thought about quitting, but I'm totally glad I didn't.

In a few days I make my schedule up for next semester. I'm looking at Bio I, Chem II, Band, General Psychology, Theater Appreciation, and French. That would put me at 18 hours, which is exactly what I need to keep my scholarships. It's still a pretty full course load, though. I hope I'll be able to handle it.

I've come to the realization that a lot of people in college are stupid. Like the guys who yell "AY GIRL" at every girl in the dorm across the way that has their window open. Yeah... So. Mature.

Is it weird that I dream about meeting Josh Groban? Because it's happened a few times. No joke. Like that's my biggest wish, is to meet him and see him live. His voice, is just the best thing ever.It makes me smile every time I hear it. And if I saw him live, I would just DIE. Seriously.

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester that I'm going to have a 9 am class on MWF. The rest of the semester, my earliest class will be at 11. I'm excited to get to sleep in. :)

My thoughts are always so random.

Anyway, I need to sleep. I'm excited I get to listen to the rain while I fall asleep. Goodnight! :)

Late Night Post

Well then...I guess I'm supposed to be perfect. Idk. At least...I'm not allowed to doubt myself. And if I DO doubt myself and talk to someone about it...I'm just fishing for compliments. Awesome.

I can't help but doubt myself though. I've never been very confident in myself. Never. Not even when I was a litte kid. I'm still not. And lately, I've been questioning my ability to succeed in college and accomplish everything I've been dreaming of accomplishing for a while now. After the first half of this semester, I'm really not sure if I'll ever get accepted to dental school. And if I manage to make it through college and get my degree in biology, and finish the pre-dental track, and I DON'T get accepted into dental school...then what the hell did I even go through college for? Just to have lots of student loans to pay back, and a crappy job that doesn't make much money and that isn't what I want to do? Maybe I'm just not cut out for college. I just feel completely dumb. I mean...I know I'm somewhat smart. But I just FEEL dumb. And it sucks.

Yeah, I know applying for dental school is quite a while away. But it's really competitive. And honestly, there are a whole lot of people who are probably better suited to be a dentist than I am. Nobody would want to go to a dentist who just barely managed to keep her scholarships throughout college and who can't seem to pass a biology course to save her life.

Yet again, I'm being negative. I should really try to look on the bright side of things. Like...even if I don't get accepted to dental school, I could be a dental assistant. WOOHOO. That's JUST what I want to do.
Anyway. On a completely unrelated note, I am home for fall break. And my kitty is freaking adorable. I love her. :) I am going shopping this weekend. And to Boo at the Zoo, and I'm soooo excited! This break should be really good. Then back to school. Where I'm going to have no life anymore, whatsoever. Because I'm going to have to work my butt off to even pull a C in my biology class. Gah. Now back to the grade stuff. That's the LAST thing I want to think about right now. So I'm just going to bed.

"Goodnight, moon."

HELLO. MY NAME IS... Negative.

Today has been a crappy day. And honestly, all I really feel like doing is crying. But that would do nothing but make my headache even worse. So I'm really trying not to.

Can it please just be fall break? Or better yet, summer? So I can sit in my room with my kitty and not have to worry about anything else. I don't have to hide it from my kitty if I cry. She doesn't care. And she won't ask questions. One thing about college that I'm not a fan of is that you don't really get privacy as much as you'd like. Not even in the bathroom. Yeah.

I'm tired of college. And school. And everything. I miss my friends. I never even have much time to talk to anyone anymore. It's all band and class and all that.

Speaking of band...we have a game tomorrow. Which I'm not looking forward to. AT ALL. I wasn't able to pass off my work for the first song of our second show today, cause I suck.
So I have to go early tomorrow to try again. Yay.

There has been so much guard drama going on. I'm SO sick of it. We're supposed to be a family, but a lot of people have been going around talking about other guard members behind their backs, saying mean, hurtful things. It makes me wonder what they say about me... Some girls have even been saying crap to other members to their face. That is not the way you treat other people. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." If everyone followed that, then some people sure wouldn't be saying much at all.

I've realized that all of my blogs are just full of scattered thoughts. I'm not good at organizing my thoughts when I have a lot on my mind or when I'm upset, which is usually when I blog. Maybe sometime soon I'll start blogging about things that might actually be worth reading. Something other than my whining and complaining. I've been doing that a lot lately. But...I just haven't really had much to be happy about. And I might be losing the one person that really makes me happy. If I do...I'll just be a blob of negativity and unhappiness and "I don't really care"-ness. And then nobody will like me or want to talk to me. And then I'll literally have nobody. I already feel like I don't have very many people here anyway. I've got Jordan, and Sam. And that's it. Wow. I'm freaking lame.

My mom tells me that I walk around with a frown on my face all the time. She says if I don't seem so unhappy or angry or whatever, then I'll be more approachable and people will be more likely to talk to me. FALSE. I try to be friendly to people and I try to make myself approachable. But it doesn't work with me. And even if someone talks to me, they probably won't remember me in a few days. There's nothing about me that is memorable. I'm just pretty insignificant, and not worth remembering, I guess.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss high school. Not the whole having 7 classes a day, starting super early, every day of the week thing. But I miss having easy classes that I didn't really have to study for. I miss having my group of friends and not having to worry about making new friends. I miss how laid back and fun high school band is. I miss getting to go home every day and see my kitty and my family. Having teachers who know your name. Not having to pay for books. And not having stupid games on weekends. And getting to sit down during football games. And having 3rd quarter off.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. That is how I feel right now. I kind of just want to crawl in a hole right now. Everyone has these days, I guess. I would say maybe tomorrow will be better. But just having that game ruins that day already.

Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike stupid people who are really loud outside my window or in my dorm at night? Well...I don't like those people. At all.

I guess I should try to sleep. Since I'm not posting this on my facebook, I doubt anyone will read it. But that's ok. I was typing this to vent...to be negative, and not have to bring anyone else down with me. Yeah...

FIN.

Catching Up.

It has been a while since I've posted. I've been meaning to put something new up for quite a while, but I guess I just haven't really had the chance. I've been super busy, all the time.


I'm all moved in at UCA now, and I've been here for about a month now. I'm mostly liking it so far. College life is great. I love the freedom and all that, but I do have to say that I miss my family and my kitty.


My classes are pretty cool. I absolutely LOVE my biology class. That's probably my favorite class I have this semester. I'm pretty much a geek. :) I think my hardest class is going to be chemistry. I'm hoping that as long as I take notes and study, I'll do good. As far as my other classes go...I'm pretty sure they'll be pretty easy.


My birthday was last weekend, and it was pretty good. I got to go home, and spend the weekend with my family and Jordan. I went shopping with my mom, who bought me the cutest little Coach purse ever and some clothes (from both of my parents), and Jordan got me a camera that I loveee. :)


The hardest thing about college so far is being on the UCA guard. I knew it was going to be hard when I first tried out, but I never imagined it would be this hard. Like...I come out of practice every day feeling like crap. I'm always messing something up or falling behind or doing something wrong. I feel like flag comes so naturally to everyone else on the guard, but I have to work my butt off just to be near the same level as the rest of the line. Even then, I have work I need to fix or get up to speed or whatever. It's so frustrating, and I feel like no matter how hard I work, I will never be good enough. And there is this one person who is just freaking perfect at everything guard, and they never fail to let me know how much I suck and how much I still need to work on. I get that they want me to be good. But always calling me out and embarrassing me in front of the rest of the guard is not the way to make me better. Yes, I know that I need to work on my stuff, and I am! You don't have to be such a bully ALL THE TIME. Plus...the negativity doesn't help. It doesn't make us better. It makes everyone feel like crap. How about we try some positive reinforcement every once in a while? Like telling us when we do something good instead of letting it go unnoticed. Saying, "Hey, you guys did good on this part, but this other part needs some work" would do sooo much more than basically telling us we suck and we need to get our crap together if we want to stay on the line. Believe me, all this negativity and bitchy-ness just makes people not like you. And everyone gets tired of it.


If you can't tell...guard has really upset me. I don't even know how many times I've cried because of it. And I'm usually pretty tough. And I'm stubborn, so even if something gets really hard or frustrating, I just get angry and try to make it work. But all of this crap just makes me feel soooo weak. There have been so many times that I've just wanted to quit and give up. I'm lucky to have my parents and my boyfriend, because they are the only reason I've made it this far. But there's still quite a bit of time left in the season, and 2 more shows left to learn. And I do feel like I'm susceptible to breaking at any moment during rehearsals, just from all the stress. I'm just hoping I can still make it through.


Excess aid came in, and I went shopping. :) And today Jordan and I went out to eat and to see Contagious, which was a pretty good movie. I had never heard of it before today. But that's because I don't watch television, so I never see previews for new movies or anything like that. Anyway, the movie was good. I think it's worth going to see, for anyone who is considering seeing it. :)


I still have so much that I could write, but I'm pretty tired right now. So I am going to go to bed, and everything else on my mind can go into another blog post, another day. Goodnight. :)

In my dorm, using the camera my boyfriend got for me! :)

Lampshade+Watermelon+Sharpie=Green Head with a Hat.

Early today I felt rather unattractive. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not ugly. I just felt...blah. I hate the days that I feel like that.

I know I could have posted some sort of status on Facebook along the lines of "I feel really unattractive today. :/" and I know I would have gotten comments from my friends telling me that I'm pretty or whatever, but I didn't want other people to have to make me feel better about my appearance. SO...Instead of allowing myself to feel unattractive and down about myself, I decided to do something to make me feel pretty. I took a shower, got dressed, blared some Ke$ha, straightened my hair, and did my makeup. And then I felt freaking beautiful. :)

This made me realize that whenever you have negative feelings, you have the power to turn them around. I mean, I've always known that. But I'm the stubborn type of person who, when I'm mad or upset, I don't want to calm down or relax. I just want to be mad or upset at whoever or whatever made me feel that way.

But on days like this, where I don't feel pretty, I just get so down on myself and I tend to find every little flaw about my physical appearance, and it just makes me feel even worse about myself. That's why I decided to make myself look pretty. Just a little self-confidence boost. And it worked. :)

I am beautiful. And I don't need anybody else to tell me that. Although, like any other girl, a compliment every once in a while makes me smile. Just sayin'. :P

Other than that, today was a really good day. I got to see one of my favorite people ever. We just hung out and played Halo and all that. It was really nice. :) And since it's the 4th of July, I might hang out with Daniel, Sean, and Ryan tonight. Fireworks, board games, Halo, all that. It shall be a blast. :)

Yuh.

Woooo! I ordered my bedding for my dorm today, and it's SUPER CUTE. :) I also bought my biology book. I figured that I'd buy them throughout the summer; that way, I don't have to ask my parents to shell out a huge sum of money out of pocket right before classes start.

I've gotten myself into the worst sleeping habits. Lately I've been going to bed until 6 AM and waking up around 4 or 5 PM. It's pretty dumb. It doesn't make much sense. Needless to say, when the time comes that I have to start waking up early, I'm going to be MISERABLE.

You know, I don't really have anything mind boggling or inspiring to say right now. I just figured I needed to update my blog a bit. Summer is still going great, and I wouldn't change a thing. Pretty much...I love life. <3

If Only You Knew.

I absolutely HATE being angry at you...
But I just can't help it.

You've hurt me and let me down so many times. And as hard as I try, I'm not able to let that go anymore. It's happened way too much. I'm supposed to be able to look up to you; you're supposed to always be here for me. But the thing is...I can't, and you never are. As strong as I seem, and as much as I pretend that I'm okay and that how you treat me doesn't really affect me, I still have feelings, and you've hurt them. A LOT. Truth is...I'm not okay. I hate admitting that. It makes me feel weak. I just...I feel like you don't care at all. And it hurts.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not good enough. I know I'm not anything spectacular. But I try my hardest to be someone that you can be proud of. Yet it's like you don't even notice. I'm not even worth your time.

You know... the night of my last football game, my last performance with the flag line and the band, I did AWESOME. It was a great performance. I worked SO HARD to be my best for that performance. You said you would come, which meant the world to me, since you didn't come to any of my other shows. When we were all lined up to go on the field, I searched the stands for you, but I didn't see you. I figured that my eyes just passed over you, since there were so many people, or that you were on the side of the stands that I couldn't see. So I went on that field and I performed for YOU. After our performance, when we got back to the band stands, I tried calling you a few times so I could come find you, but you didn't answer, so I called the person who was supposed to be with you. They said that they were in the bathroom, and they wouldn't tell me where you were. So I called the only other person who might be able to tell me where I could find you. They had to tell me that you didn't come. I pretended I was fine, and I tried to sound like I wasn't crying. But I was. I couldn't not cry. You let me down more than anyone else ever has. Was I really not worth the 45 minutes it would have taken to come see me?

It has gotten to the point where I honestly doubt that you love me. I'm ashamed to say that. But that's how you've made me feel. You say you do, but... "I love you," those are just words. It's the way that you treat somebody that tells them that you love them. And if you do love me, you sure have a hell of a way of showing it.

I worry about him. I'm so scared that you're going to do the same thing to him that you did to me. And I don't think he's as strong as me, so I'm afraid of what it'll do to him. He's such a great kid, and he deserves the best. I just pray that you don't let him down, too.

I'm pretty sure you're not even going to read this. Somehow, I doubt that you'll ever know how much you've really hurt me. Or how all that hurt has made me not trust you. I don't think you'll ever understand what you've put me through.

What I DO know, is that when I'm gone, you're going to regret everything. You'll regret letting me down so much, not fulfilling your promises, not taking 45 minutes out of your Friday night to go see just ONE performance of my marching show, not being here for me, not paying attention to me, not getting to know me, not being part of my life...not loving me. But just know, that I will always love you. I'll always be your little girl. I just wish...that you would be my dad.

I'M ALIVE.

And I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED.

I registered for classes today at UCA, which was kind of boring, but exciting at the same time. My major is officially Biology/Pre-Dental. :) A few people have asked, so here's my schedule:

Principals of Biology I: MWF, 9:00 with Padberg
Biology Lab: Tuesday, 8:00
College Chemistry I: MWF, 11:00 with Krause
Chemistry Lab: Thursday, 8:00
Health/Fitness: MWF, 1:00 with Jamerson
Oral Communication: TR, 10:50 with Bray
Marching Band: MWF, 4:00

There's my schedule for the fall semester. I think it worked out pretty well. :) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be pretty busy, but Tuesday and Thursday will be pretty chill. I'll have time to study and do homework and stuff. After my labs and oral communication class, of course.

Guard camp is NEXT MONTH! I can't wait. Like...I'm excited. But I'm pretty nervous. I'm afraid of being the worst one on the line, or not being able to figure out how to do the stuff that we're taught and all that. Like...I know I'll be ok. I wouldn't have made the guard if I the judges thought that I wouldn't be able to do it and if I didn't have potential to get better. I'll be able to figure the work out, and if I can't, I know I can always get help from one of my fellow guard members. I just really hope I don't come off as the weakest link. Like...seriously.

I want a tiny turtle named Eugene.

Daniel and I hung out yesterday. We went swimming (where I actually got a little tan), then came to my house and made a lemon cake and watched stuff on Netflix. It was a lot of fun. He really is one of my best friends, and I'm going to miss him bunches when he goes to UofA. I can't wait to see Sam, my other best friend on Saturday. We're gonna party it up. :)

I was kind of upset tonight. Just...crappy family stuff that I really don't want to talk about. But anyway, I got out of the house for a bit, and I looked up at the sky, and I saw the moon. It was just beautiful. I wanted to reach out and pull it towards me, and just keep it forever. Something bright, to always have with me. I couldn't do that though, because 1) my arms aren't long enough to reach the moon, 2) the moon is kind of big, and 3) I would never try to keep something so magnificent to myself. That would just be sad for everyone else.

Besides the stupid family stuff, everything else is amazing. This summer has been great so far. And I'm confident that it will continue to be one of the best summers ever. :)

:))

I love life. I'm soo happy.

Like...seriously. There's not a single thing I would change.

I feel like I've changed a lot in the past year. It's like I've gone through some sort of transformation. It's really not something I can explain. I just know that I've become more independent. And I feel like I've become an overall better person. Something so much...more than what I used to be. I've gone through a lot since Junior year, and I do have some regrets, but everything that I've been through has made me who I am today. Which I'm thankful for.

Everything is amazing right now. It's just...right. I've graduated and I'm having an awesome summer. I'm a member of the UCA Color Guard. I start college in the fall. I have hopes and dreams, and I know what I want to do with my life. I'm not really stressed or anything. I'm just...happy. :)

There's no doubt that I'm going to face different obstacles and challenges throughout college and the rest of my life. It'll be difficult. Especially the jump from high school to college. But I know that as long as I have the right mindset, I can make it through anything that comes my way. But for now, I'm just going to continue enjoying life. :)



<3



Buh.

I had a nightmare.

And the thing is...it wasn't recently. It was maybe a month ago. But still I can't forget about it. The thing about me...is that when I have a nightmare, it's never scary. It's always just sad. And usually...I wake up crying.

Well this nightmare I had... I was at home, I think. And then...suddenly...my dog was there. I knew he was dead. But somehow, he was there. And I just accepted it. I've missed my dog so much since he died. And in my dream, when I saw him, I ran up to him and I hugged him around his neck, like I always would. And I kissed him on the nose, cause he had the most kissable nose in the world. I spent a lot of time with him, and I kept him by my side for the whole day. I was so happy to have my puppy back. But I turned away for one second, and then when I turned back...he was gone. Just like that. As fast as he appeared, he disappeared. I called his name over and over again...but he didn't show back up. So I started sobbing. And then I woke up...sobbing.

I swear I layed there and cried for about 30 minutes after I woke up. I cried harder than I have in a long time. Everything in my dream seemed so real. I thought that I actually had my dog back. And then...he was taken away from me. I would give anything to be able to see him again. To hug him around his neck and to kiss his nose. To feel him next to me, pressed against my back while I'm asleep.

I know I've had quite a few blogs that mention my dog. And I know that probably seems really lame. But...Buddy was a huge part of my life. I can't remember a time in my life without him. I grew up with him. He really wasn't just a dog. He was a part of my family. And even now... Almost 2 years after his death, I miss him SO MUCH. :/

List

10 Things I'd Like To Do:

1. Meet Josh Groban and see him live. :)
2. Become really good at playing piano.
3. Become a successful dentist.
4. Save shelter animals that are about to be put asleep.
5. Take my mother on a trip to Europe.
6. Travel to an underprivileged country to offer free dental care.
7. Make a difference in somebody's life.
8. Get married and start a family.
9. Go on a cruise.
10. Ride an elephant.

To Jeff

Dear Jeff,

Wow. Time sure does fly. You've been gone a whole year. And it just hit me.
I know you're in a better place, but that doesn't make things much easier. I've gone through the day thinking that you would want us to smile and to be happy. It worked until now. I keep thinking that you should be graduating with us this year. I can't help but feel like we didn't have enough time with you. However, in the time we did have, you gave us all so much. You were one of the most amazing people that I knew, and I feel truly blessed to have been able to call you my friend. In fact, I still call you my friend, and I know that you are watching over me and everyone else. I miss and love you Jeff. I can't wait to see you again. <3

Love, Tessa

P.S. Oh, and just so you know, that coconut monkey that you made me was the cutest think in the world. I honestly think it was one of my favorite gifts that I have ever gotten. :)

<3

Jeff Jr. :)



Yup.

I've been irritated at a lot of things today. Ugh. Soo...I'm going to rant.

1. You're really NOT all that.
There's this girl that I know that walks around like she is all that...the queen bee. She used to be cool, but now she has this "I'm better than you" attitude, which gets extremely annoying, to say the least. She'll only wear designer brand clothes; anything without a brand name label is unacceptable. Her parents buy her everything she wants. I'm not quite sure why this eats at me so much. I mean, true, I have expensive taste, and my mom does kinda spoil me. But...I don't let that give me a big head. I know that I'm not all that and the world doesn't revolve around me. And I know the difference between having confidence in yourself, and allowing yourself to become a stuck-up snob.

2. The Clique.
There's this group of people who I used to be friends with. But they have become so...exclusive. Like, nobody else can hang with them or join in on the conversation, and if they do, they just get ignored. It's like it's only their little group, and that's all that matters to them. Idk what I think of this. I mean...it irritates me, but it's not really a big deal. Honestly, I thing it's just going to end up hurting them, when they lose their ability to actually branch out and talk to other people. They won't know what to do when they get to college and they don't have each other around 24/7.

3. What happened to...you?
I have a friend who I absolutely love. She is one of the best people I know. But...she became best friends with the person I mentioned in my first point. The "queen bee." And since my friend has become best friends with that girl, she has lost who she is. It's like she can't be herself. She always has to be this mold of the other chick. She's fine when she's not around that girl. She actually acts like herself...like an individual. But when she's around the "queen bee"...she loses who she is and becomes a mini-me. And honestly, I'm pretty sure that girl just feeds off of my friend's desire to be just like her...which gives her even more of a big head.

MAYBE...maybe this is the way things have always been...and I just never realized it. I used to be good friends with all these people. I know we've all changed. But I never would have thought that I would develop such a distaste for the people that I used to hang out with. I mean...I'll be the first to admit...I've changed quite a bit since we all formed that friendship and started our little group. But so has everyone else. I don't think all of these things that I find annoying are just things that I'm turning into problems. I mean...I'm not making a big deal out of anything. It's senior year. I only have 23 days left with these people, so honestly, I don't really care. I'm not worried about when these people think of me, and hopefully they don't care what I think of them. It just irritates me. But oh well. I'm sorry if I've come off as...well, a bitch. And I really hope I don't offend anyone. I'm just saying it how I see it. And I mean...this is my blog, which means I can say what I want. If you want to complain about me, create a blog and go for it.

On a completely different note, I had an amazing weekend with Taylor. We went to the zoo on Saturday, which was a blast. All the animals were so cute. I want them all. :) My favorite animals, of course, were the giraffes. They got so close to us. Like...They were just a little farther than an arm's length away. I wish I could have pet one. HOWEVER...I was able to pet a hugeee turtle. I don't know if we were supposed to, but whatever. :P I pet his shell, then his arm. I don't think he minded though. Turtle skin feels so weird. But it's really neat. "Cool story, bro."

I'm pumped to try out for UCA guard. Like...I'm nervous. Really nervous. And kind of stressed. But excited at the same time.

<3

Blahdahdah.

I went to Memphis for Spring Break. It was SOOOOOMUCHFUN.
Like...I miss it already. I went with Sam, and we stayed with her grandparents, who are super awesome. Her GrandDaddy makes AWESOME breakfast. French toast and waffles and pancakes, OH MY. We woke up at about 9 or 10 every morning, ate breakfast, showered, and then went out to visit the horsies and feed them. :)


I rode a horsey for the first time. And...it was pretty awesome. Her name was Flashy, and she was super sweet. When I was about to get off though, she stumbled and fell...on my leg. It was kind of scary. I didn't realize what was happening until I was on the ground, and the horsey was on my leg. But I'm ok. No broken bones or anything. Just a multicolored bruise. COOL.
Not gonna lie...I was kind of afraid to get back on a horse after that. But I got my courage up and I rode again. I rode Flashy twice after that and then Charley (one of the ponies) once. It was pretty awesome.


I absolutely loved being around the horsies while we were in Memphis. They are such...incredible animals. So strong and respectable. I want a horsey when I'm older. A really sweet horsey that is good for riding and looks good with my hair. I know...that sounds kind of lame. But whatever. We have to compliment each other and make each other look good. :)


Some cool things we did in Memphis:

• Rode the horsies.
• Went to the mall and bought undergarments.
• Rode the Merry-Go-Round. I rode the Sea Dragon.
• Jammed to classic rock in the Hummer with GrandDaddy.
• Got hissed at by goosies.
• Saw Red Riding Hood with Sam's step-aunt.
• Got super sunburnt.
• Ate at Red Robin and Joe's Crab Shack for the first time.
• Lunged the horses by ourselves.
• Phhooop. (Not really. You wouldn't understand. Bahaha.)
• Lots of other cool things. :

I had so much fun. I felt so...free...out in the country. Free of all the stress and lively-ness of the city. It was nice to get away for a little while. When I'm older, I want to live in the country, but just outside the city. Somewhere where I can have land and horsies and not be super close to other people, but close enough to the city where I can go out whenever and not have to take a road trip to get groceries. I want my kids to be able to go out and play and ride horsies and me not have to worry about them getting too close to a busy street or talking to strangers.


Sam's grandparents have a small pond, and there was this pair of goosies who come back every year. We named them Henry and Georgina They are the CUTEST little goosey couple ever. Like...they'll be together forever. I can tell. :) I hope that me and whoever I marry end up as happy as that little goosey couple. When Sam and I went to feed the fish, I guess the gooses felt threatened by us, so Henry started hissing at us. I didn't even know that gooses hissed. But it was pretty frightening. For a minute there...I was actually scared for my life. :P


I'm not sure what I'm going to do for the rest of spring break. I just hope it doesn't go by too quickly. I don't want to go back to school. This last month is going to be the LONGEST month ever.


Sometimes...I think people make the world out to be so much worse than it really is. Like...I know there are lots of problems and things that go wrong... But the world really isn't that bad. Some people focus on every little bad aspect of life, that they miss out on the true beauty of what is around us. Sometimes, I look around, and I realize just how beautiful everything is. From the sky, to the birds, to the trees. The sun, the moon...everything. And I'm so grateful. I wish I had more time to just sit outside and truly appreciate nature, and the world I live in...the life I have been given, instead of getting so caught up in everything that's going on. Maybe I'll start making time to just cast all of the stess of the day aside, and get lost in the beauty of life. Maybe everyone should start doing that. It might do us all some good.

<3

Me and Flashy. :)

All State!

Things I did at All-State:

• Made music for hours and hours.
• Watched the Hannah Montana Movie.
• Made new friends. :)
• Pressed all the buttons in the elevator...and laughed at the people going to the top floor. :P
• Sang with elevator carolers.
• Danced around the hallways to the piano man's music.
• Played cards with one of my new friends.
• Stayed up past midnight then woke up before 6.
• Walked miles to and from our rehearsal area.
• Took place in secret All State rituals.
• Got dressed up and super pretty for the performance.
• Had an awesome concert. :)

Over all...I had a SUPERAWESOME time. :) I'm sad that this is the only year I'll get to go... but it was absolutely amazing, so I'm happy with it. :)

YES.

All-State tryouts were yesterday. A whole day of sitting around doing...nothing. I sooo wasn't looking forward to them. And...to make things even MORE exciting(sarcasm)...I was scheduled to try out at 8:54. A whole 7 hours of waiting in order to play for 2 minutes. I knew I wasn't going to make it...considering I hadn't practiced in over a week. So I warmed up for 30 minutes...then went and played my tryout and I was DONE. After a long day, I just wanted to get home and go to sleep. But...SURPRISE! I made it. I was sooo incredibly shocked. I made 3rd band, 8th chair. Which...I am SOtotally thankful for. :)

My mom promised me after my All-Region concert that if I made All-State, she would buy me a new dress and shoes for the concert. So guess who went shopping today?? THIS GIRL. Yess. And my dress and shoes are SOcute. :)

We leave for the clinic on Thursday morning...then we stay in Hot Springs on Thursday and Friday night. Concert is on Saturday, then I'm coming home, going swimming, and then chilling for the rest of the weekend. This week has been, and hopefully will continue to be, a GREAT week. :)

Seniors have something like 52 school days left. HECKYES. I'm so ready to be done with high school. :)

I miss my dog. A lot. I really wish he was here right now.

TRUE STORY:
I was in Walmart on Sunday night, and I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror. Out of nowhere, this crazy old woman popped up behind me and knocked me to the floor. After snatching my purse, she dragged me by my hair into the handicapped stall, and pulled me up on my knees in attempt to stick my head down the toilet. Now...I don't usually go and beat up old women, but I wasn't going to allow this to happen. I felt the need to defend myself. So I twisted out of her super strong grip and I got to my feet. We started fighting, throwing punches everywhere. BOY was this old woman tough. She must have been on some hardcore steriods or something. She gave me a black eye and a fat lip, which fortunately went down by All State tryouts. Finally, after 15 minutes of intense fighting, I managed to ninja kick her in the face, which knocked her out. I tied her up with toilet paper and called the cops. They came and took her away, locking her up forever...bringing justice to the city. They couldn't have done it without me. :)

Ok...maybe I made that up. But...whatever. It was a good story. And for a second there...I bet everyone thought I was a superhero or something. :)

:)

It snowed. A lot.
We had no school today, and we don't have school tomorrow, either. I'm so glad that I'm a senior, and I don't have to make up snowdays. :) I really hate being stuck at home though. It isn't very exciting. I'm pretty sure I've spent at least 70% of my day in my bed. :P

All-State tryouts were postponed yet again, and they are now on Monday. I'm really not expecting to make it. After all...I haven't been practicing. Soo...I won't be disappointed if I'm not on that list. My goal was to qualify to try out, which I did, so I'm happy with that.

<3

For those that care.

This morning, while my mom was watching the news, a story came on about a 13 year old boy who was being bullied. He was being tortured by a group of at least 6 boys who were all bigger than him. And the whole time, it was being filmed. The video showed the boy being dragged around, kicked in the chest, and hung on a fence by his jacket.

This kind of thing is what honestly makes me ashamed to be part of the human race. Yeah, we've got technology and opposable thumbs, and that's all great, but we don't even know how to treat our own kind. Why do so many people get pleasure out of torturing others who are small or weak, or who just can't defend themselves? That is just sick, if you ask me. 

One of the things about that news report that made me SO mad... There was a woman who just walked through the area where that poor boy was getting bullied. She made no effort to step in, or even call 911. What the eff? If that was her son getting treated like that, then I'm sure she would want someone to step in. But...it didn't directly involve her, so why make an effort to put a stop to it? I could understand being afraid to confront such a big group of guys, but it doesn't take much to call the police.

It's people like those boys who drive so many kids into depression. This makes me sad. Yesterday, I was walking to the band room after school, and I passed two mentally disabled girls holding hands. They were smiling, and there was no hostility whatsoever. I thought to myself...what if the whole world could be like that, and treat everyone with the utmost kindness and respect? What if we could all just set aside our differences and get along? I realize how unlikely that is. But... it really would be nice.



I wrote this as a Facebook note around June of last year, and that news story made me think of it. It's sort of off topic, but whatever...

empathy :the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

I have always been an empathetic person. I've always been one to put myself in other peoples' shoes, to feel what they feel. Sometimes, I think I'm too empathetic for my own good.

It kills me to see all the pain and suffering that people go through every day. It seems like some people never catch a break. Now, I know that God works in mysterious ways, and that there is a reason for everything, but I can't help but wonder why? Why is the suffering within the human race so extreme?

I'm not just talking about personal problems, either. There are also all sorts of universal problems, from things such as animal abuse to human trafficking to the starvation of whole communities. I hate that all these things go on around our world.

We are all human beings, and we all have feelings. If you wouldn't let your sister or your dad or your best friend get taken to have their bodies sold for the purposes of commercial sexual exploitation or forced labor, why does it not even phase some people that this goes on everywhere? These people being abducted and sold for their bodies...they are somebody else's sister or dad or best friend. The same goes for the starvation of communities and animal abuse. These people who are starving to death and these animals that are being beaten have no way of changing their circumstances. Many of us are blessed to have food on our tables every night, and we eat until we're stuffed, without giving a thought about those who haven't eaten in days. We are also blessed to have voices and the means to stand up for ourselves when we're in danger of being harmed. Animals don't have voices, making them easy prey for twisted people with the desire to hurt other living things.

If we didn't have to worry about all of these problems that go on around us, maybe we would be a happier race. There wouldn't be so much pain and suffering going on around the world. There would still be personal problems, which can be just as hard to overcome, but entire populations would be at ease, and better off. We wouldn't have to worry about things like 9/11 or the safety of our families. I sometimes think that all the problems of the world can weigh a person down. If we didn't have to deal with that weight, then we could focus more on our problems, making ourselves, as individuals, happier.

I wish...I wish there was a way to lessen all the pain that mankind has to go through. I don't think it is fair for there to be so much suffering in one race.

peace :a state of tranquillity or quiet as a) freedom from civil disturbance or b) a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom; freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions; harmony in personal relations

I wonder...what it would be like for the world to be peaceful, for there to be very little pain and suffering, and for happiness to prevail throughout mankind?

Blahhh.

I had a decent day today. :)

This morning, I woke up at 5:30, then couldn't fall back asleep. Like...I was completely awake. I could have gotten up and ready for school right then. But I decided to try to go back to sleep, and right when I fell asleep...my alarm went off. It kinda sucked. Haha.

I realized yesterday that I'm going to be single for Valentine's day. But...I'm ok with that. I'll go buy myself flowers. :P

I'm ready for it to be summer. I want to be done with high school. Forever. I am dreading these next 3 months of sitting in class, doing nothing. I want to be able to stay up late every night and sleep in until noon every day. I'm ready for the tank top and short-shorts weather. I don't want to have to stress about homework and tests anymore. I want my biggest worry to be the stupid looking bikini tan lines I get every year from sitting at the pool for too long. I'm just sooo completely ready to graduate. But until then, I'm going to hope that we get TONS of snow days. I'm talking a blizzard. That just means less days that the seniors have to go to school.

My cat likes ice cream. And green beans. I'm going to miss her when I go to college. :(

Honestly...I don't have any deep or intriguing thoughts right now. Obviously. Haha. Nothing interesting to talk about. :/ I have psychology homework I need to do though. Booo. I guess I should go do that.

Random Thoughts

Last night I fell asleep listening to nature sounds. Thunderstorms and beach waves and all that. It was nice, and it really helped me fall asleep. :)
I had a bad dream though. I don't remember it, but I do know that I woke up crying. :(

My brother and I got in a fight today. He made me soooo mad. But...we're over it now. We're good. :P

I hate how my dad made a promise to me months ago to take me to waffle house, since he didn't go to a single one of my games, and he still hasn't kept his promise. I mean...is it that much to ask to take an hour out of your day to spend some time with your daughter? Especially when she is going to be leaving for college in a few months? Gah.

I really want frozen yogurt. With fruit on top. That sounds incredibly good right now. But...unfortunately, although I have money, I do not have a car...or a license. I'm lame. Haha.

Today I watched The Kite Runner. It was a really good movie. Kind of sad and disturbing at parts, though. Other than that...it was worth watching. If you don't mind watching a movie that is in English only 10% of the time. It's based in Afghanistan. It's kind of cool to watch movies based in other countries, because it allows you to see a little bit of what the culture is like in places other than the United States.

OH MY GOSH. So on Thursday, I was in Sam's truck with her, and they played new Ke$ha! It was pretty exciting. I have it on my iPod now. What can I say, I'm a sucker for the catchy beats and the mindless lyrics of every Ke$ha song. It's good dance music. :)

1.28.2011

Yesterday, I went to work out and swim laps at the pool with Sam and Logan. It was pretty intense. Once we got done, I felt pretty hardcore. :) I'm not as sore as I was last time. It might be because this time, we actually stretched like smart people before we started. :P

I really want to go to the ocean. Or Africa. Either one would be really cool. I've been to the ocean before, when I went to Florida as a kid, but I've never been to Africa. I want to see elephants and giraffes and kangaroos.

I took like a 4 hour nap today. I was so tired. I'm not sure why. I got enough sleep last night. I guess I was just really worn out.

I think that this summer, after graduation, I might go and spend a month in Kansas with my mom's side of the family. I have nothing else to do, so...why not? :)

Feel the Rain.

I have a tendency to try to keep people happy, even if it means that I suffer.
But for the first time in a while, I made a decision to do something for myself. Something to make myself happy. It means I have to give something up...something that means a whole lot to me. But it also means that a lot more doors will be opened.

Yesterday, I went swimming with Sam. I taught her how to do the freestyle stroke and the butterfly. We swam laps. Lots of laps. I didn't realize how much endurance and strength I have lost since I left swim team. I was kind of upset at myself, honestly. I couldn't even swim half the number of laps I used to be able to. And I got sore a whole lot faster. I'm still sore today. :( But I'm not gonna just quit. I'm going to build my muscles and my endurance up again.

Swimming helped cheer me up yesterday. I wasn't in the best mood when I went... but I guess it was just something about being back in the water that cheered me up. I was completely at peace. I didn't have a single worry on my mind. It was nice. :)

I really love lemonade. And music. And animals. I realized the other day that kangaroos are really cute. And I decided that I want one. I would name him Lars.

GAH.

I've had a bad day. Actually...I've had a bad weekend (except for All-Region, which was pretty freaking awesome). And it just keeps getting worse. I'm pretty sure I've lost something amazing that I just got back. And it kills me. I ALWAYS seem to mess up the things that mean the most to me. I wish I wasn't so...gah. I'm not even sure what to think right now. I'm so frustrated. I actually tried to sleep all day so I wouldn't have to think. Then...at 2, I couldn't fall back asleep. :(

Every night...I thank God for what he has given me. I have been so happy lately. And I thank him for this third chance that he gave me. And I pray that it will work out. And that I don't mess everything up. I mean...isn't the third time supposed to be a charm? Maybe not. Maybe everything good ends in heartache. It always has for me. Why would I be silly enough to think that maybe this time it wouldn't?

Good thing is...I'm so used to this that I'm kinda numb right now. When I go to bed I'll start feeling it though. I know how this goes. It SUCKS. I just wish I had my puppy to make me feel better. I'll be ok though. I always am.

Today was a good day. :)

Soo...I finished the 30 Day Challenge.
I guess now I just talk. :P

Well...this weekend we had All-Region tryouts. I was hoping for a tryout somewhere in the middle. But what number did I get? THREE. Out of 109. I was number three. That pretty much freaked me out, and I got soo nervous that I didn't do as well as I could have. Waiting for the results, I got so nervous that I got a headache. That has never happened to me. It was kinda weird. But when the results were posted, I found out that I made 1st band, 16th chair, and I qualify to tryout for All-State. THANK GOODNESS. But anyway... All-Region clinic is this Friday. I'm super pumped to get to hang out with all my friends and do what I love most...make music. :)

On another note, my 2 snow days were pretty awesome. I sat at home and played Fable 3, because I'm a geek. And now this geek is about to go play some Halo Reach with Daniel. :)



Snow <3



Last Days of the 30 Day Challenge That Actually Took 3 Months.

Day 28: Something That Stresses You Out
Ummm...School, of course.
The fact that I don't have my license. Or a permit.

Day 29: 3 Wishes
Wish 1: That I'll be successful.
Wish 2: That I'll be happy.
Wish 3: It's a secret.

Day 30: A Picture

My Brother, Papa, and Me. :)