Hakuna Matata!

I started a blog just a few minutes ago. It was full of negative things. I got pretty far... but I decided I don't want to write a blog like that. Yeah, right now is definitely not perfect. There's a lot going on in my head. So many things I wish I could change. About my circumstances and about myself. And at times, I kind of want to scream.

But I'm not going to let it take over me. Time to focus on positive things. Stuff that I wouldn't want to change. Things that make me happy.

Things like:

My beautiful kitty.

-My hair. Yeah, I'd like to change a few things about my appearance, but I love my hair.
-My little brother. I love him. I hope him and I can be close forever.
-My kitty. She's my baby. I love her so much. I don't need a man. I have my sweet little kitty. Haha.
-My other kitty and my puppy. They're also super sweet and cute, and I love them.
-Indie music. It's so...chill and happy. Yuh.
-My best friends, Anna, Sam, and Em-J. I love them all.
-Donuts. Yumyum.
-Music I played in band in high school. It makes me miss high school band, but it makes me happy.
-My best guy friend, Anthony. I can be my crazy self around him, and he still accepts me.
-Snowcones. Those are my childhood. Particularly cotton candy flavored with cream.
-Pretty clothes. Especially dresses.
-And last, but definitely not least... My parents. I may not have a perfect relationship with them, but I love them. And I don't know where I'd be without them. Well, I wouldn't be born. But...you get my point.

That list was just for myself. I was feeling super down about everything, and I needed to look on the positive side. My list, with the help of some happy music, worked, I'm in a much better mood. Hakuna Matata. I fixed myself. :)

I just got the sudden urge to shave off my eyebrows. I'm not going to. I'd look pretty dumb without them. But they're just so...annoying. Maybe when I'm old and I don't care what I look like, I'll just shave them off. Old wrinkley Tessa with no eyebrows, and 12 kitties, and 6 puppies, and a micropig. That'll be a sight.

I watched a movie not long ago with my brother. It's called Lifted, and it was such a good movie. It made me cry like...4 times. And, don't tell him I'm putting this up in my blog....but my brother cried, too. It was that good. At the end, I look at him, and him and I both have tears streaming down our faces. It is definitely worth watching. I highly recommend it. It's on Netflix, for anyone who is interested (which you should be).

I have 4 days of class left, and then it's time for finals. Boo. I hope I do well. But after that, I'm done with my freshman year. I guess I can look at that as an accomplishment. Just a step closer to my goal.

Well, this is the end of my blog. I hope everyone has a great week!




I love my baby brother. :)

ByeBye, UCA

I have 16 days left at UCA. 16 days left of my freshman year. And I'm so ready to be done.

After I finish out the semester, I won't be returning to UCA. Instead, I'll be attending ASU Beebe, which is closer to my house, so I'll be able to live at home, and not have to leave my kitty for weeks at a time. To be honest, I'm kind of bummed about leaving UCA. Not because I like it here, because honestly, I don't, but I feel like I'm letting my family down. And more than anything, I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel like...a failure.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm just working with the circumstances. It's just not what I had planned. And it's because of the fact that my plans didn't work out how I wanted them to, that makes me feel like I failed. See, the reason I'm leaving UCA is because I'm losing my academic scholarship. And it's not because I'm not smart enough or didn't try hard enough. My GPA was alright. I'm losing my scholarship because of a lack of hours. I didn't have enough to satisfy the requirements for my scholarship.

Now let me give a few details. This isn't completely my fault. When I was registering for classes for the semester, I had to take 18 hours worth of classes so I'd have enough hours to keep my scholarship. 18 hours is a pretty big course load, especially when 8 of those hours are made up of science courses and labs. Knowing I'd have my work cut out for me, I decided to take French I, because I needed a semi-easy class, and I had taken French in high school, so I figured this class wouldn't be too difficult for me. But because I had taken 2 years of French in high school, my French teacher made me take a placement test to see if I could switch to a higher level French.

Now, I'm not stupid. I knew if I scored too high I'd be put in a higher level class, which would be a lot more work than I wanted. So I took the test and totally bombed it, on purpose, clicking answers without even reading the questions. Although, even if I tried, I don't think I would have done very well at all, because I honestly didn't learn much in high school. But stupid me, I had already taken the placement test before my first semester here, and I scored somewhat high. Apparently high enough to be put in French II, since my teacher found the score from that test instead of the one that I purposely bombed.

I told this teacher that I honestly didn't think I was ready for French II. After all, I only know like...half of the French alphabet. But she was afraid that I'd "intimidate the other students" with my minimal knowledge of the French language, and she basically forced me to switch to the higher level course that I knew for a fact would be too hard. Although I'm the one who was paying for that class, she literally bullied me into switching. I told her for about 15 minutes that I wasn't ready, but she wouldn't hear anything I had to say.

So...I switched, because she made me. And SURPRISE, SURPRISE! French II was WAY above my level. I felt lost every minute I spent in that classroom. And no matter how much studying I did, there was no way for me to teach myself what I was supposed to have learned in French I while learning what was being taught in French II. So I was forced to drop that class. It wouldn't have been possible for me to stay in that class without it ruining my GPA. So now I don't have enough hours to keep my scholarship, because of that STUPID french teacher. I'm honestly incredibly bitter about that situation. I feel like if that teacher hadn't made me switch, I would have been just fine.

I tried to take an online course to get back those lost hours that I needed. I registered, but nobody ever told me that the course cost freaking $800, which I honestly don't have. Plus, I only had about a month and a half to finish the course (which is set up to take six months to complete), but I had to wait for my professor to email me before I could start. He didn't email me. So by the time I only had like, a month to finish the course, and I still hadn't heard from the teacher other than "Haven't forgotten about you, will call soon," I decided to drop the course. It was pointless for me to take it when I wouldn't be able to finish by the end of the semester. Yet, they're still making me pay about $400 for it. That is, if student accounts ever fixes my balance.

I'm so fed up with UCA. And this whole situation. I'm going to miss the friends I made here. And as much as I hated marching band and color guard, I made it through last year, and I was going to do it again this year, because usually I don't give up on things just because it's hard. Plus I love performing.  Not to mention, marching season put me in great shape, and gave me a pretty nice tan. But now I won't even get to prove myself this year, and show that I don't give up after one tough year. And I won't get to go out on that football field during half time and make all that hard work worth it. And....well, that's about it. I'm just super disappointed.

Color Guard <3

Like, I can't stand to see my dad wear his UCA hat (that I spent $30 on), because I know how proud he was of me, and how proud he was to wear that hat to support me. Honestly, I think that's what kills me most. I feel like I'm letting him down. And I hate that. Anyone who is close to me knows that I have some "daddy issues," and that I strive for his attention. For him to notice me. I try to make him proud of me. And until this year, I never really felt that he was. You know, he actually came to not just one, but two of my football games this year? That's a big step up for him. And he was talking about how he was looking forward to coming and seeing me perform at games next year. But now that's not going to happen. I'm letting him down. And dammit, now I'm crying.

I'm trying my hardest to look on the bright side of things. Like the fact that I'll get to be at home with my kitty. And I have a few friends going to Beebe, namely Anna, Anthony, Ryan, and Taylor, who will hopefully make being there a bit better. Oh, and maybe the best yet is that I won't have to eat the nasty cafeteria food that UCA charges over $1000 a semester for. I won't have to deal with UCA's staff which, aside from my teachers and my advisor, I have experienced to be incredibly rude. And lastly, UCA won't be getting anymore of my money, which I feel like is really the only thing they care about.

I just need to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and things will work out the way they're supposed to in the end. I just have to take what comes at me and work with it. And when things don't go how I planned, I need to come up with a new plan and go from there.

One last thing before I get off here and go to bed: No matter what people say, high school does NOT prepare you for college. College is so much harder. Yeah, you have more freedom, but it also requires more work. I was able to go all through high school without ever studying, and still graduate with honors. I don't think I ever even did my homework at home, and I had an honors sash, a medallion, and 2 cords around my neck when I walked on that stage to get my diploma. But that doesn't mean a thing when you're in college. High school teachers would always say that your college professors wouldn't care if you came to class or not. Bull. Half my teachers grade partially on attendance. They also said that your grades were based only on tests. Also bull. Most of my classes have homework and quizzes, along with papers and tests. High school teachers lie. High school did nothing to prepare me for college (with the exception of my Pre-AP and AP chemistry courses, which made college chemistry considerably easy). Anyway, whatever. I guess you just have to learn on your own what college is about, and how it really works.

Well, I just needed to put down in words how I'm feeling about what's going on with my college experience right now. It's really been bugging me, making me feel really down, leading me to sleep a lot more than I should, which is super unhealthy. But, speaking of sleep, it's 3 in the morning and I'm tired, so I'm off to bed. Goodnight, world.

4.1.2012

It seems that every time I come home, my mother and I get in a fight. Like, I'm getting tired of it. The same stuff always happens. It always ends up with her saying "Well why don't you just move out?" and then me saying that I plan on it, as soon as I can. Although that's a lie. I don't really plan on moving out. I just wish I wasn't still being treated like I'm 16. I mean, come on. I'm 18 and in college. I think I deserve a little more freedom and independence. But whatevs. I'm sure after enough of this, I really WILL move out. Once I can support myself, that is. Which is kinda hard without a car. Yeah.

At the club. ;)

Anyway, that's all the ranting I'm going to do right now. Other than that, I had a great weekend! I went to a club on Friday night. It was a gay club. And although I'm straight, I still had a blast. I watched a drag show and got touched inappropriately by a lesbian. That was an experience. Haha. I looked so fine though. Like, SOFINE. Not to be conceited or anything. ;)

Yesterday was a pretty chill day. I slept until like, 5. And then I helped my mother make dinner, and then showered and all that. Then I went out with Christian at like, 1:30 in the morning and didn't get back until around 4. We just chilled and watched television, but that's perfectly fine. I'm just really glad I got to see him, after what went down last week.

Today was really nice. I went grocery shopping with my mom, then my brother and I took my puppy to the park. It was such a lovely day outside. A little on the warm side, but I loved it. It felt like summer. :) Speaking of summer, I'll be out of school in about a month! 20 days left of class, then a week of finals, and I'm DONE with my freshman year of college. I'm so ready. I can't wait to be out.

The Cardinals <3

I wish I lived in St. Louis, so I could go to Cardinals games. That would be awesome. Haha.

OH! I just made Rice Krispie treats. I've been wanting to make them for a long time. So I made some tonight. :) And I'm going to take some of them back to my dorm for the week. Nobody except for me cares though. Oh well. Haha. MAKE IT OR BREAK IT IS ON TOMORROW! Ahhhh, I'm so excited!

I'm happy right now. I wish it was still daytime though, so I could go outside and be in the sun. That would be awesome. I love the sun. But since it's not daytime, I have to stay inside, which is super lame. I hate this artificial light crap. It sucks. Anyway, I'm going to work on schoolwork. Maybe study ahead a bit for my classes so I don't get super stressed this week. Happy April! I hope everyone has a great month. :)

Puppy and my brother!