Catching Up.

It has been a while since I've posted. I've been meaning to put something new up for quite a while, but I guess I just haven't really had the chance. I've been super busy, all the time.


I'm all moved in at UCA now, and I've been here for about a month now. I'm mostly liking it so far. College life is great. I love the freedom and all that, but I do have to say that I miss my family and my kitty.


My classes are pretty cool. I absolutely LOVE my biology class. That's probably my favorite class I have this semester. I'm pretty much a geek. :) I think my hardest class is going to be chemistry. I'm hoping that as long as I take notes and study, I'll do good. As far as my other classes go...I'm pretty sure they'll be pretty easy.


My birthday was last weekend, and it was pretty good. I got to go home, and spend the weekend with my family and Jordan. I went shopping with my mom, who bought me the cutest little Coach purse ever and some clothes (from both of my parents), and Jordan got me a camera that I loveee. :)


The hardest thing about college so far is being on the UCA guard. I knew it was going to be hard when I first tried out, but I never imagined it would be this hard. Like...I come out of practice every day feeling like crap. I'm always messing something up or falling behind or doing something wrong. I feel like flag comes so naturally to everyone else on the guard, but I have to work my butt off just to be near the same level as the rest of the line. Even then, I have work I need to fix or get up to speed or whatever. It's so frustrating, and I feel like no matter how hard I work, I will never be good enough. And there is this one person who is just freaking perfect at everything guard, and they never fail to let me know how much I suck and how much I still need to work on. I get that they want me to be good. But always calling me out and embarrassing me in front of the rest of the guard is not the way to make me better. Yes, I know that I need to work on my stuff, and I am! You don't have to be such a bully ALL THE TIME. Plus...the negativity doesn't help. It doesn't make us better. It makes everyone feel like crap. How about we try some positive reinforcement every once in a while? Like telling us when we do something good instead of letting it go unnoticed. Saying, "Hey, you guys did good on this part, but this other part needs some work" would do sooo much more than basically telling us we suck and we need to get our crap together if we want to stay on the line. Believe me, all this negativity and bitchy-ness just makes people not like you. And everyone gets tired of it.


If you can't tell...guard has really upset me. I don't even know how many times I've cried because of it. And I'm usually pretty tough. And I'm stubborn, so even if something gets really hard or frustrating, I just get angry and try to make it work. But all of this crap just makes me feel soooo weak. There have been so many times that I've just wanted to quit and give up. I'm lucky to have my parents and my boyfriend, because they are the only reason I've made it this far. But there's still quite a bit of time left in the season, and 2 more shows left to learn. And I do feel like I'm susceptible to breaking at any moment during rehearsals, just from all the stress. I'm just hoping I can still make it through.


Excess aid came in, and I went shopping. :) And today Jordan and I went out to eat and to see Contagious, which was a pretty good movie. I had never heard of it before today. But that's because I don't watch television, so I never see previews for new movies or anything like that. Anyway, the movie was good. I think it's worth going to see, for anyone who is considering seeing it. :)


I still have so much that I could write, but I'm pretty tired right now. So I am going to go to bed, and everything else on my mind can go into another blog post, another day. Goodnight. :)

In my dorm, using the camera my boyfriend got for me! :)

Lampshade+Watermelon+Sharpie=Green Head with a Hat.

Early today I felt rather unattractive. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not ugly. I just felt...blah. I hate the days that I feel like that.

I know I could have posted some sort of status on Facebook along the lines of "I feel really unattractive today. :/" and I know I would have gotten comments from my friends telling me that I'm pretty or whatever, but I didn't want other people to have to make me feel better about my appearance. SO...Instead of allowing myself to feel unattractive and down about myself, I decided to do something to make me feel pretty. I took a shower, got dressed, blared some Ke$ha, straightened my hair, and did my makeup. And then I felt freaking beautiful. :)

This made me realize that whenever you have negative feelings, you have the power to turn them around. I mean, I've always known that. But I'm the stubborn type of person who, when I'm mad or upset, I don't want to calm down or relax. I just want to be mad or upset at whoever or whatever made me feel that way.

But on days like this, where I don't feel pretty, I just get so down on myself and I tend to find every little flaw about my physical appearance, and it just makes me feel even worse about myself. That's why I decided to make myself look pretty. Just a little self-confidence boost. And it worked. :)

I am beautiful. And I don't need anybody else to tell me that. Although, like any other girl, a compliment every once in a while makes me smile. Just sayin'. :P

Other than that, today was a really good day. I got to see one of my favorite people ever. We just hung out and played Halo and all that. It was really nice. :) And since it's the 4th of July, I might hang out with Daniel, Sean, and Ryan tonight. Fireworks, board games, Halo, all that. It shall be a blast. :)

Yuh.

Woooo! I ordered my bedding for my dorm today, and it's SUPER CUTE. :) I also bought my biology book. I figured that I'd buy them throughout the summer; that way, I don't have to ask my parents to shell out a huge sum of money out of pocket right before classes start.

I've gotten myself into the worst sleeping habits. Lately I've been going to bed until 6 AM and waking up around 4 or 5 PM. It's pretty dumb. It doesn't make much sense. Needless to say, when the time comes that I have to start waking up early, I'm going to be MISERABLE.

You know, I don't really have anything mind boggling or inspiring to say right now. I just figured I needed to update my blog a bit. Summer is still going great, and I wouldn't change a thing. Pretty much...I love life. <3

If Only You Knew.

I absolutely HATE being angry at you...
But I just can't help it.

You've hurt me and let me down so many times. And as hard as I try, I'm not able to let that go anymore. It's happened way too much. I'm supposed to be able to look up to you; you're supposed to always be here for me. But the thing is...I can't, and you never are. As strong as I seem, and as much as I pretend that I'm okay and that how you treat me doesn't really affect me, I still have feelings, and you've hurt them. A LOT. Truth is...I'm not okay. I hate admitting that. It makes me feel weak. I just...I feel like you don't care at all. And it hurts.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not good enough. I know I'm not anything spectacular. But I try my hardest to be someone that you can be proud of. Yet it's like you don't even notice. I'm not even worth your time.

You know... the night of my last football game, my last performance with the flag line and the band, I did AWESOME. It was a great performance. I worked SO HARD to be my best for that performance. You said you would come, which meant the world to me, since you didn't come to any of my other shows. When we were all lined up to go on the field, I searched the stands for you, but I didn't see you. I figured that my eyes just passed over you, since there were so many people, or that you were on the side of the stands that I couldn't see. So I went on that field and I performed for YOU. After our performance, when we got back to the band stands, I tried calling you a few times so I could come find you, but you didn't answer, so I called the person who was supposed to be with you. They said that they were in the bathroom, and they wouldn't tell me where you were. So I called the only other person who might be able to tell me where I could find you. They had to tell me that you didn't come. I pretended I was fine, and I tried to sound like I wasn't crying. But I was. I couldn't not cry. You let me down more than anyone else ever has. Was I really not worth the 45 minutes it would have taken to come see me?

It has gotten to the point where I honestly doubt that you love me. I'm ashamed to say that. But that's how you've made me feel. You say you do, but... "I love you," those are just words. It's the way that you treat somebody that tells them that you love them. And if you do love me, you sure have a hell of a way of showing it.

I worry about him. I'm so scared that you're going to do the same thing to him that you did to me. And I don't think he's as strong as me, so I'm afraid of what it'll do to him. He's such a great kid, and he deserves the best. I just pray that you don't let him down, too.

I'm pretty sure you're not even going to read this. Somehow, I doubt that you'll ever know how much you've really hurt me. Or how all that hurt has made me not trust you. I don't think you'll ever understand what you've put me through.

What I DO know, is that when I'm gone, you're going to regret everything. You'll regret letting me down so much, not fulfilling your promises, not taking 45 minutes out of your Friday night to go see just ONE performance of my marching show, not being here for me, not paying attention to me, not getting to know me, not being part of my life...not loving me. But just know, that I will always love you. I'll always be your little girl. I just wish...that you would be my dad.

I'M ALIVE.

And I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED.

I registered for classes today at UCA, which was kind of boring, but exciting at the same time. My major is officially Biology/Pre-Dental. :) A few people have asked, so here's my schedule:

Principals of Biology I: MWF, 9:00 with Padberg
Biology Lab: Tuesday, 8:00
College Chemistry I: MWF, 11:00 with Krause
Chemistry Lab: Thursday, 8:00
Health/Fitness: MWF, 1:00 with Jamerson
Oral Communication: TR, 10:50 with Bray
Marching Band: MWF, 4:00

There's my schedule for the fall semester. I think it worked out pretty well. :) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be pretty busy, but Tuesday and Thursday will be pretty chill. I'll have time to study and do homework and stuff. After my labs and oral communication class, of course.

Guard camp is NEXT MONTH! I can't wait. Like...I'm excited. But I'm pretty nervous. I'm afraid of being the worst one on the line, or not being able to figure out how to do the stuff that we're taught and all that. Like...I know I'll be ok. I wouldn't have made the guard if I the judges thought that I wouldn't be able to do it and if I didn't have potential to get better. I'll be able to figure the work out, and if I can't, I know I can always get help from one of my fellow guard members. I just really hope I don't come off as the weakest link. Like...seriously.

I want a tiny turtle named Eugene.

Daniel and I hung out yesterday. We went swimming (where I actually got a little tan), then came to my house and made a lemon cake and watched stuff on Netflix. It was a lot of fun. He really is one of my best friends, and I'm going to miss him bunches when he goes to UofA. I can't wait to see Sam, my other best friend on Saturday. We're gonna party it up. :)

I was kind of upset tonight. Just...crappy family stuff that I really don't want to talk about. But anyway, I got out of the house for a bit, and I looked up at the sky, and I saw the moon. It was just beautiful. I wanted to reach out and pull it towards me, and just keep it forever. Something bright, to always have with me. I couldn't do that though, because 1) my arms aren't long enough to reach the moon, 2) the moon is kind of big, and 3) I would never try to keep something so magnificent to myself. That would just be sad for everyone else.

Besides the stupid family stuff, everything else is amazing. This summer has been great so far. And I'm confident that it will continue to be one of the best summers ever. :)