If Only You Knew.

I absolutely HATE being angry at you...
But I just can't help it.

You've hurt me and let me down so many times. And as hard as I try, I'm not able to let that go anymore. It's happened way too much. I'm supposed to be able to look up to you; you're supposed to always be here for me. But the thing is...I can't, and you never are. As strong as I seem, and as much as I pretend that I'm okay and that how you treat me doesn't really affect me, I still have feelings, and you've hurt them. A LOT. Truth is...I'm not okay. I hate admitting that. It makes me feel weak. I just...I feel like you don't care at all. And it hurts.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not good enough. I know I'm not anything spectacular. But I try my hardest to be someone that you can be proud of. Yet it's like you don't even notice. I'm not even worth your time.

You know... the night of my last football game, my last performance with the flag line and the band, I did AWESOME. It was a great performance. I worked SO HARD to be my best for that performance. You said you would come, which meant the world to me, since you didn't come to any of my other shows. When we were all lined up to go on the field, I searched the stands for you, but I didn't see you. I figured that my eyes just passed over you, since there were so many people, or that you were on the side of the stands that I couldn't see. So I went on that field and I performed for YOU. After our performance, when we got back to the band stands, I tried calling you a few times so I could come find you, but you didn't answer, so I called the person who was supposed to be with you. They said that they were in the bathroom, and they wouldn't tell me where you were. So I called the only other person who might be able to tell me where I could find you. They had to tell me that you didn't come. I pretended I was fine, and I tried to sound like I wasn't crying. But I was. I couldn't not cry. You let me down more than anyone else ever has. Was I really not worth the 45 minutes it would have taken to come see me?

It has gotten to the point where I honestly doubt that you love me. I'm ashamed to say that. But that's how you've made me feel. You say you do, but... "I love you," those are just words. It's the way that you treat somebody that tells them that you love them. And if you do love me, you sure have a hell of a way of showing it.

I worry about him. I'm so scared that you're going to do the same thing to him that you did to me. And I don't think he's as strong as me, so I'm afraid of what it'll do to him. He's such a great kid, and he deserves the best. I just pray that you don't let him down, too.

I'm pretty sure you're not even going to read this. Somehow, I doubt that you'll ever know how much you've really hurt me. Or how all that hurt has made me not trust you. I don't think you'll ever understand what you've put me through.

What I DO know, is that when I'm gone, you're going to regret everything. You'll regret letting me down so much, not fulfilling your promises, not taking 45 minutes out of your Friday night to go see just ONE performance of my marching show, not being here for me, not paying attention to me, not getting to know me, not being part of my life...not loving me. But just know, that I will always love you. I'll always be your little girl. I just wish...that you would be my dad.