Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want.

I'm a very hard person to keep around. The thing is, I just get bored. I can't help it. I can be the girl of your dreams for a month, and then after that I just become distant and unattached because I've lost interest.

So, to potential suitors, here you go.

How to Make Me Stay:
-Don't take me for granted. Ever.
-Take me out. Not just to dinner and a movie, although that's fine sometimes. Take me to a concert, or a festival, a picnic. I like stuff that's out of the ordinary. And I don't mean all the time, just at least every once in a while.
-Really listen to me. Believe me, if I like you then I listen to you, and I hang on to every word you say, because I want nothing more than to get to know everything about you. So I need to feel like my life and what I say is important to you.
-If you want to be with me, then Spike, Sweet Pea, and Bonnie come with the territory. Period.
-Support me in what I do. If I tell you I made an "A" on a test that I studied my butt off for, be proud of me. "Cool" is not a good response when I tell you that I accomplished something that meant a lot to me.
-Give me space. If I don't respond to your text immediately, then I'm busy or don't have my phone with me. I promise, I'm not ignoring you, and I'll get back to you when I can.
-The majority of my friends are males. So you have to trust me and not be jealous, because I will not give up my friends that I've had for years because you have trust issues.
-Know that I'm loyal. If I commit myself to you then I want to be with you, and only you. So if you ever accuse me of cheating...that's just going to push me away. Because I may be a lot of things, but unfaithful is not one of them.
-I am not a sex object. The minute you start acting like I'm only there to please you, I'm gone.
-Flowers are like, my favorite thing in the world. Just sayin'.
-Don't say the "L" word too soon. That's just going to scare me away.
-If I tell you my secrets, keep them.
-Know that I love my family and they will always come first.
-Go with me to support my little brother in his school events. Football games, band concerts, whatever. If it's important to him then it's important to me. So it should be important to you.
-Don't make fun of my brother, even jokingly. That will make him not like you, and I'd prefer my family to like you.
-There will be fights. It's inevitable. Try to see my side, and I will try to see your. I'd rather talk out any problems we have before they turn into a bigger deal than necessary.
-Be yourself. I don't want someone who tries to be someone they're not.
-Know that I'm going to have bad days. Not just the every once in a while bad day that normal people have, I'm going to have really bad, depressed person bad days. Hopefully not often, but they happen. On those days just be there for me. Hold me. Don't try to get me to tell you what's wrong, because honestly, there may not be anything wrong. I may just be sad, and you have to understand that.
-Just show me that you care about me.

And know, that in return, I will give you all the love and respect you deserve.

I really don't think I'm high maintenance. There's just things I need in a relationship, and I won't accept anything less. I've dealt with some really crappy guys in the past, and I know that I deserve more than to be treated like crap.

So, for any guy that may potentially be interested in me, good luck. Hopefully you make the cut.

Nostalgia and Setbacks

So I had this sudden urge to look through my yearbook from my senior year in high school. Boy, that made me nostalgic. I had so many friends back then. And now I can count on one hand the number of friends that I have. It's pathetic how much of a loner I am. I also took part in different things, from band, to color guard, to different clubs. And now that I'm out of high school, barely in college, and working all the time, I'm not a part of anything. If I could go back in time I would. I was pretty content with everything. I wish I knew back then how good things really were, and that everything would just go downhill from there.

College was supposed to be so much more than it turned out to be. Granted, I went to the college that I wanted to be at for only one year before losing all my scholarships and having to take a year off to work. Now I mostly work and I take classes at a local community college that I always said I would NEVER go to. Never say never, right? I should be in my last year of undergraduate studies, but I'm not even close to getting my Associate's. How sad is that? Can you say failure?

I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself because I'm getting there. Just very slowly. The odds just have not been in my favor when it comes to school. I so badly wanted to take more than one class this semester, but 1) I couldn't afford it, and 2) my mom and I are having to share a vehicle, so there would be no way for me to be able to make it to classes. So I'm taking one online class, which I'm doing really well in. If I have to continue taking one class a semester though, I'll be 50 by the time I get my stupid Associate's. And I'll never make it to my Bachelor's. And I'd be working at Walgreen's forever. That would be super depressing.

I should try harder to think more positively. It's just difficult. I don't do well when things don't go according to plan. And it just seems that lately, nothing seems to go as planned. School, men, work. Everything.

But life goes on.
And on.
And on.



Until you die.

I Love Him, I Love Him Not.

It's so sad, how little I write now. I really should write more, seeing as it's one of the few things that seemed to help me stay sane. I always have so much on my mind. I try counseling but I find it hard to be completely open and honest with a stranger. And if I can't do that, then they can't really help me. But what kind of help do I need, anyway? I'm not sure. No idea. I somewhat recently ended a 9 month relationship. And it's not that I didn't love the guy. I just kinda, fell out of love. And as horrible as it sounds, I got bored. The past few relationships I've had, I've ended up losing interest and getting bored...not feeling the connection with the guy anymore. I hate it, because I've been with some really, really good guys. Maybe there's something inside my head that just won't let me stay with a guy because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

I've only had my heart really broken once. "J" (as we'll call him), and I had been off and on for at least 2 years. And although I usually ended things or whatever, I'd always go back to him. I was really, honestly, truly in love with him. And the last time we were together, we were talking marriage and stuff. I really thought that I was going to spend my life with this boy. But out of nowhere, he ended it. No explanation or anything. And it killed me. Broke my heart to pieces. I say that I wasn't so much upset about losing him as I was about losing the plans we had made for the future, but I don't know. Because ever since then, I haven't been able to make myself stay with someone for more than 9 months. And I swear it has something to do with how he crushed me. I recently found out that he's now engaged. And I probably never cross his mind anymore. He's engaged to this really pretty girl who is making something of herself. And here I am, working at Walgreen's. Not able to afford to take more than one class at a time. Pretty much a nothing. I guess he's better off though. With a girl like that. It really bothered me finding out that he was going to be getting married. I was having dreams about him for a little while, and I hate it. I hate him. I wish I could just erase him from my memory.

Then there's "T." He was such an amazing guy and I hate that I ended things with him. I was a stupid high school girl though, and I didn't know what I wanted. I really, honestly, truly loved him, as well. And although we haven't spoken in a while, I still deeply care about him. I think about him every once in a while, and I hope he's doing well. He really deserves the best. He was probably the best guy I've dated. He wrote a poem for me while we were together, and I still go back and read that sometimes. I actually just read it and got a little teary-eyed. I regret ending things with him. I really do. I wonder where we would have ended up if I hadn't. But I believe he is doing pretty good, from what I see on Facebook, although that's not much. But still, I wish him the best and hope he is happy.

"E." The third guy that I loved. We started out as friends, and even now we're still friends. We actually work together, which I'll admit, is somewhat hard for me. He was a wonderful guy and treated me pretty well. Him and I dated when my depression really started to take over, and that was kind of the ruin of us. I cherish dearly the memories that him and I made. And he is now living with his girlfriend, and they seem happy enough. So I'm really happy for him. I do believe that ultimately things worked out how they were supposed to with us.

And lastly, there's "A." I'm not sure how I feel about everything between us at the moment. I somewhat recently ended things, and I know it was the right decision. I was in love with him at one point, but I'm not sure anymore. And toward the end I wasn't happy at all. He was a great guy. My parents' favorite by far. He treated me right and even stayed with me after I ended up in the hospital for a while, which is more than what a lot of guys would do. But it just wasn't right anymore. I absolutely hated hurting him, but I just couldn't be in a relationship with him anymore. He still tries to talk to me, wanting to be friends, but I don't really think I can be friends with him. I'm not sure why, but I just can't. Maybe it's because I know he still loves me, and I just can't handle that.

I have a friend who calls me a "heartbreaker," and I have to say... I've lived up to that name. I've been involved with quite a few guys, and I've pretty much been the one to end things with all of them, except "J," of course. I should come with a disclaimer. "By getting involved with this woman there is a very high risk getting hurt." And my problem is that I just get bored. I'm not content doing the same things every day. I hate feeling like I'm stuck in a rut. "A" did well at first, but then it just turned into a cycle of the same thing every day. He'd work, sleep, watch television. Not even television that I was interested in. And so I started losing interest. And by the time he realized that was happening and started actually trying again, it was too late.

I don't need to always be doing something to keep from losing interest. I want to be with a guy who I can just sit around and do nothing with and be happy. But I also need a guy who will take me out to a cooking class, a baseball game, an amusement park, or a hike up a mountain. Not just a movie and dinner once every few months. I really don't want to come off as high maintenance, because I don't think I am. I just need a guy who makes me feel like they're actually interested in doing things with me. Things that make me happy. And hopefully those things would make him happy, too.

I'm really scared of dating. I actually went on a date with this really nice guy yesterday, and I halfway thought about cancelling just because he seems like a great guy and I don't want him to get hurt. I never go out with a guy with the intention of hurting him, but that's just usually what happens. And this guy did everything right yesterday... he opened doors for me (including the car door), he paid for everything, and he was such a gentleman. Conversation came easily with him, and we just had a really good time. I could tell he wasn't just trying to get a hookup or anything. He was so genuine. And, there wasn't even a kiss on the first date. Which I'm totally fine with because that shows that he's not just trying to get physical, and he's respectful of my space and doesn't want to cross any boundaries. Or maybe he was just nervous. And if that's the case, that's fine too. Either way, everything went perfectly. And a guy like that doesn't deserve to get hurt by someone like me. There's part of me that says I should just end things before they get anywhere, but the selfish part of me says I should give this a try, even if it may end up with me being a "heartbreaker" yet again. I just don't know. (Note: Halfway gave it a try, lost interest. Surprise, surprise.)

I don't even know why guys would want me anyway. I have so much baggage. I have depression, and I suck at life. I ended up in the hospital and then got moved to a mental hospital for overdosing and taking a concoction of meds in an attempt to just make everything stop. I may seem at least somewhat put together on the outside, but behind that mask is a whackjob who is incapable of staying emotionally stable. Not to mention I have issues with my self-image, and no matter how many times someone tells me I'm pretty, I'm not going to believe it. I've just got a lot of problems that I believe make me undesirable. And maybe that's another reason why it's so hard for me to truly accept the love of a man. Because I don't see why any guy would truly love me and want to be with someone like me. I'm sure if guys could see through the outer shell and realize what they'd be getting into by involving themselves with me, they'd avoid me like the plague.

Maybe I've just gone insane because I don't write anymore. Maybe if I start writing and blogging again things would go back to how they were. When I was happy, and didn't have so much to worry about. Wishful thinking?

Probably.

Whackjob.

It's one in the morning and I should be trying to sleep. I got off work an hour ago, and I have to wake up at 7:30 in the morning for class. But I NEED to write. Right now. It's been so long.

I quit the vet tech program. I feel like it was a waste of my time and money. But I'm still in school. Considering nursing now. I'd be a neonatal nurse if I were to pursue that career field.

Still working at the animal hospital, and still loving it. Learning something new every day. Also met a guy at work. Austin. We started dating in October, and now we're officially together. We're not telling our co-workers. They'd be all immature and stuff, and try to pry into our business. Which he doesn't want to deal with, and I'm fine with that. He's wonderful though. Hopefully different than the douchebags I've been involved with in the past. I'm finally letting someone get close to me, and that's incredibly hard for me. But he's worth it, so I'm trying my best. I just hope he really is different, and I don't end up getting hurt.

Although I'm super happy about Austin and I, I'm just....sad. I hate depression. I hate being depressed. I hate that I can't go a single day without having at least one of those bad thoughts that seem to consume my mind. I'm on medication. Two different anti-depressants, and then an anxiety med that I only take as needed. I've been having to take that one more often lately.

Even on medication, it doesn't stop. It was working so well, and now...now I'm not sure. Happy one minute, depressed the next. And being depressed is different than being sad. It's worse. I hate it. I hate the thought of having to live like this forever. Of never being able to go a day without feeling like this. And that just depresses me even further. And other than medication, there's nothing I can do about it. That's the worst part. I have breakdowns out of nowhere. For no reason. Tonight on my drive home after work, I started having bad thoughts and I started crying. I don't even know why. The smallest things will set me off.

I should talk to someone. Go to counseling again. I know I need to. There's just so much though. And it's so hard to explain. And talking isn't going to be able to fix me. I wish it were that simple. Maybe I'll take that step though. Because it's not like I can just talk to family or friends about this. They don't understand. My parents would insist on getting me help or whatever. And friends don't want to hear about super serious stuff like that.

So I write. That's all I can do right now. Write, and sleep.

I guess it's been a few months since my last post. I haven't really had time to write lately though. I've been so busy. School and work are consuming my life. But I'm actually okay with that.

So I've started school at ASU Beebe, and I'm in the Veterinary Technology program. FINALLY, after a year of not being in school, I'm back on track. I think that year off was good for me though, because it gave me time to figure out what I wanted to do, to grow up a little, and to get my priorities straight. And now I love school. I look forward to going to class every day and learning, unlike high school where I only showed up half the time (yet I still graduated with an honors sash, two cords, and a medallion...so I guess it wasn't that important for me to be there.)

I also got a new job. I'm actually already doing what I'm going to school for. Weird, yeah? But I was sitting in the break room at Walgreen's one day, browsing through the classifieds in the newspaper... and I saw an advertisement for someone looking for help in a veterinary clinic. I took a chance and applied, and now I'm officially an employee at After Hours Animal Hospital. This really is an awesome opportunity for me, considering there aren't many jobs in the animal health care field that have hours convenient for someone who is in school during the day. So I got really lucky there. Not to mention, I love it there. I love being in the clinical setting again, and working with animals. That truly is my passion. I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else. The whole putting down animals part is kind of hard, but it's getting a little easier. It'll always be sad, and I'll always wish I could save every animal, but hopefully at some point it won't affect me so much.

My baby brother marched his first parade today. I was so proud of him. Seeing the bands march by made me really nostalgic though. I miss band and color guard so much. I miss performing. Band and guard are probably the only things I miss from high school and UCA. Besides my friends, of course.

It's sleep time for me. I've got work tomorrow at noon.

The End. :)